Off-Third is WSN’s satire column.

There are four important events in every Jewish girl’s life: her Bat Mitzvah, her nose job, decorating her bed for her college commitment, and newly — the day her college lifts its mask mandate. I’m overjoyed that this rite of passage coincides with Rosh Hashanah, and I get to bring in the new year in the most authentic way possible — by showing off the nose I got when I was 14. 

For 14 years I suffered with a nose I was insecure about; then, I entered high school with confidence, taste and a new schnoz modeled off of Quinn Fabray’s in the famous “Glee” episode, where Rachel Berry does not go through with her nose job and the pair sings “I Feel Pretty / Unpretty.” Legend has it that’s what got Lea Michele cast in “Funny Girl.” Yes, it was cool to fit in with all the girls at my Catholic school, but I have never been in class with an unmasked nose and a room full of nice Jewish boys. 

I had to sit for two straight years — the peak of my attractiveness — with a mask covering the one feature created by the magic of plastic surgery, all because Dr. Anthony Fauci was insecure about his nose. 

We all know that the pandemic was just an excuse created by the insecure to mask the traditionally less attractive parts of our faces. It’s wonderful that NYU’s COVID-19 team has finally gained the confidence to take away masks. Some of us paid — or in my case, used insurance and a severe sinus issue — for a new nose.

Now that this whole show put on by the government and the essential workers is over, hopefully, the real pandemic — my lack of engagement ring — will end with it. Taking away masks will allow me to fulfill the real reason any girl would attend such a prestigious and expensive school: to marry a rich, hot and smart future doctor, lawyer or businessman. 

Though I suffered with the disease of insecurity and ugliness, I do find myself crushing on boys with the feature I paid to erase — a massive schnoz. I love a big mensch with a nose that belongs in an episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” Luckily, I go to a school with the biggest population of boys who identify as Larry David himself. And to think, I didn’t even know what these boys looked like until today!

Baruch Hashem! I’ll now get to flirt in class and actually know what sits below the mask. All the pain, time and effort that went into my perfect nose will have finally paid off. I’ll get to look all boys in the eyes and study their noses and think, “Would I want my child to have a honker like that?” as I contemplate marriage with every boy with a slightly Jewish-sounding last name on the roster — the so-called pandemic was really putting a damper on my imminent marriage.

COVID-19 is fake and so is my nose, but only one of them will be in the classroom this semester. It’s time that we embrace the fake things in life that bring us confidence, love and beauty — not masks, vaccines and isolation.

WSN’s Opinion section strives to publish ideas worth discussing. The views presented in the Opinion section are solely the views of the writer.

Contact Alexandra Cohen at [email protected].