Staff Rants: Drinks
From milk to kombucha — here’s our staff’s hot takes on drinks.
April 23, 2020
On Black Coffee
Helen Wajda, Deputy Opinion Editor
I love coffee as much as the next person, but I will never understand how anyone can drink it black. Maybe I’m drinking the wrong coffee, but black coffee just tastes like bitter bean juice to me. Just thinking about it physically pains me.
Jun Sung, Opinion Editor
It may be controversial, but milk is the most overrated drink. I don’t care what kind — cow, goat, almond, hemp, etc. — they’re all bad. The smell alone makes me gag and the aftertaste is awful. Sure, it strengthens your bones and teeth and whatever, but is the taste really worth it? No. Plus, I refuse to cave to the dairy industry!
On Diet Coke Haters
Jake Capriotti, Photo Editor
Yes, I drink an absurd amount. Yes, I’m aware it’s not the best drink for me. No, I will not stop. Your lectures mean nothing to me!
Arvind Sriram, Sports Editor
WTF is kombucha?
On Ice Water
Sasha Cohen, Performing Arts Editor
There’s only one drink that is truly refreshing after a long, hot day: room temperature water. Yes, you heard it here first folks. I HATE ice water with a burning passion. Now before you judge, let me provide some reasoning behind my preference. When I drink a freezing cold glass of water, I think my esophagus gets frostbite. The cold sensation is just so unpleasant that it makes me want to be dehydrated. Conversely, room temperature water is easier to drink because I do not need to take a 25-second break to let my bodily systems thaw. While my family is used to my tepid beverage tendencies, so many waiters give me a funny look when I order water with no ice. Yet, what is even more frustrating is when they still bring me ice water and tell me to wait for the ice to melt. Well let me tell you, waiting for ice to melt does not miraculously make water room temperature. Therefore, I am calling for a water temperature reform; any water that is below 55 degrees Fahrenheit — or 12.8 degrees Celsius — is simply unfit for consumption and should be reported to the following email: [email protected] Thank you in advance for your help.
On Watching from Afar
Gabby Lozano, Deputy Opinion Editor
While I haven’t consumed much alcohol, what makes up for it has been the numerous videos my mom has sent me of middle-aged white moms that pour out their sorrows with copious amounts of alcohol. It sounds lame, but at least they’re having fun from a distance and it reminds me that I can’t wait to escape once quarantine measures hopefully end. Cheers to that.
On Bottled Water
Kim Rice, Deputy Copy Chief
People who drink water know that all brands of water taste differently and that you should solely drink water at room temperature. Don’t really understand what distilled water is, don’t care for it because it costs more at all restaurants and sparkling water is amazing but not if you are actually thirsty. Now onto brands: Poland Spring is the best brand, Aquafina is literal garbage. Deer Park is kind of dirty but not bad. Smart Water is up there but not above Poland Spring, because nothing is. Fiji is unnecessarily expensive and people should stop buying it; it doesn’t even taste good, just overpriced. Nestlé is right on top of Aquafina; I don’t know who is in charge of Nestlé but they should be fired. Dasani is right up there with Poland Spring, we love it but not as much. It’s so beautiful we love to see it. Evian is alright but no one wants it. And finally, anything that just says “drinking water” on the packaging will not be that great; some are surprising but otherwise not it. Opinions listed here are final and you should not argue until you drink all of these brands back to back and see that I am, in fact, correct.
On Flat Soda
Paul Kim, Deputy Managing Editor
At some point in the history of man, some poor, deranged sucker opened his generic-brand soda, forgot about it and took a sip an hour later. Then, in defiance of all things good and holy, he thought, “Hey, this should be a flavor for things.” I can’t stress enough that this was the WRONG thought to have, and every day since that moment, we have strayed further from God’s light.
You realize without the carbonation in a soda, you’re basically drinking watered-down corn syrup with a few additives? You need the flavoring and the carbonation to work in tandem. In fact, you don’t even need the flavoring. People will buy sparkling water just to experience that sweet, sweet burn. But I assure you, it does not work both ways.
And sure, we tolerate flat sodas on certain occasions — two-liter bottles of Coca-Cola at Christmas parties, Chipotle drinking fountains, the third sip of a can of La Croix — but distilling the worst part of any soda and giving it a spin-off show is unconscionable. My first thought when my soda has no fizz is most definitely not “Yes, I want to put this on my snow cones and Icees. Also, I’d like a gummy that is this, and while we’re at it, a Hi-Chew flavor too.” Disgusting.
Opinions expressed on the editorial pages are not necessarily those of WSN, and our publication of opinions is not an endorsement of them.
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