Off-Third is WSN’s satire column.

After a week full of chaotic at best and absolute failure at worst housing and course registrations, NYU has decided to adopt the Ticketmaster approach. The university will now allow students to purchase slots for their desired classes and residence halls on a first come, first served basis, with the aim of leveling the playing field by addressing the issue of random registration times. NYU administrators said they were inspired by the company’s Taylor Swift ticket fiasco, and opted to make the whole process a capitalist free-for-all for next year’s students.

“When it comes to housing and course registration, NYU shares a lot of similarities with Ticketmaster, beyond our poorly designed website and tendency to make promises that we cannot keep,” an NYU representative said. “Personally, I’m a big fan of how they make up service fee numbers out of nowhere — we’re trying to adopt that strategy for registration, and I believe we’ve been successful so far.”

Under the new system, students will enter queues at the crack of dawn to purchase their ideal courses and housing. Students will also have the option to resell their core courses, waitlist spots and housing assignments for nearly four times the price. NYU also promised to give students who demonstrate the most Violet pride early Verified Student codes that may or may not crash their computers the day of registration. 

“We’re hoping that by the end of this, if you make a Venn diagram comparing Albert and Ticketmaster, it’ll just be a circle,” the representative said.

The shift comes after a week of complaints from students who feel let down by NYU after less-than-satisfactory housing and class registrations. Sophomore registration times were so late that by the time students were able to enroll in courses, all that was left were 8 a.m. classes with Friday night recitations and professors with awful reputations.

“One of my professors actually has a negative score on Rate My Professor,” said one first-year, who was on the verge of dropping out of college altogether. “I didn’t even know that was possible.”

“I know saying me and Albert have ‘Bad Blood’ would be too cliché, but seriously, the website deleted my entire Google Drive and auto-enrolled me into Stern finance classes,” added another distraught sophomore. “I’m in Steinhardt. I don’t know what money is.”

While first- and second-years struggled with late course registration times, juniors and seniors dealt with similar issues for housing. As the hours ticked away, available rooms dwindled quickly, leaving those with later registration times scrambling for options. Some seniors reported housing assignments that placed seven students in a one-room suite — and, worst of all, in Lafayette Hall. According to rumors, these rooms were originally designed to be broom closets.

Some students didn’t receive housing at all. Now, they are left hoping to buy a room from a sketchy reseller who claims to have a spacious single in Gramercy Green but won’t provide any details upon request.

“As someone who has waited in line for Eras tickets and for NYU housing, I can attest that getting Taylor tickets was so much easier,” one graduating senior said. “All Too Well (10 Minute Version) (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault)” was an emotional rollercoaster, but it did not prepare me for the emotional rollercoaster that was watching every room in Palladium get occupied within the first two minutes of registration.”

Of course, in true corporate fashion, NYU will take a cut of any registration slot sales. While the exact amount hasn’t been determined yet, rumors that the university will take 70-99% of sales are spreading quickly.

NYU representatives responded in a manner similar to the senators who testified at the Ticketmaster hearing, their responses full of misplaced references and dad jokes that made light of the situation.

“I know that turning housing and courses into the modern ‘Hunger Games’ may seem like an awful move, but I’m sure students will be able to ‘Shake it Off’,” said one representative. “Is it ‘shake it off’ or ‘on?’ Hang on, I’ve gotta check my notes.”

WSN’s Opinion section strives to publish ideas worth discussing. The views presented in the Opinion section are solely the views of the writer.

Contact Naisha Roy at [email protected].