Off-Third: Groundhog Sees Shadow, Predicting Six More Weeks of Depression

The groundhog forecasted that seasonal depression will continue until spring.


Alexandra Chan

New York City’s own resident groundhog Alwayscrying Alex of Washington Square Park forecasts more depressing winter days. (Staff Illustration by Alexandra Chan)

By Noah Friend, Off-Third Editor

Punxsutawney Phil was not the only forecasting groundhog to make a prediction this past Sunday — New York City has a groundhog of its own. On Monday morning, a lesser known but equally important groundhog also predicted the future. 

Alwayscrying Alex, the seasonal depression groundhog, emerged from his very messy cave in Washington Square Park to find an eager group of onlookers waiting to see if they can begin to be happy again after the winter season.

“Every year, my brain’s chemistry alters due to a rodent’s arbitrary light-based occurrence,” said Stern junior Ingrid Lucas. “The groundhog means everything to me.”

Unfortunately for New Yorkers, the shy groundhog immediately saw his shadow and quickly retreated, saying, “Aw man, I wish I could, but I’m actually busy that day.” This is the 27th straight year that Alex has forecasted six more weeks of depression. 

“It’s a shame that we aren’t allowed to be happy in the winter, but the hog has spoken,” Lucas said, forcing a smile. 

New York City is well known for being a hub of depressed people, particularly in the winter time.

“I think Alex is a great reminder to New Yorkers that regardless of the weather, we’re going to be depressed anyway,” said New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio. “He is a true New York icon, just like the trash bags piled up on the sidewalk. We are all those trash bags.”

According to Alex, seasonal depression will end in six weeks when the spring begins, at which point normal depression will continue for the foreseeable future.

Off-Third is WSN’s satire section. Try not to take us too seriously.

This article is satirical, and all quotes and events are entirely fabricated unless stated otherwise.

Email Noah Friend at [email protected]