Off-Third: “Maybe the Second Semester Will Be Better!” Says Woefully Naive First-Year

She thought the first semester was hard, but she was hopeful for a better spring. She was woefully misguided.

Noah Friend, Off-Third Editor

As the winter break comes to a close, students everywhere prepare to return to campuses across the nation. This includes NYU first-year Casey James, a CAS history major who made the move to New York City last fall from her small quiet hometown of Fort Ripley, Minnesota. 

“I was so excited to move to the big city,” James said. “I was so ready for it to be all I ever hoped for and more.” 

But upon arrival, James was soon met with the harsh reality that everyone who lives in New York must eventually face: we’re all depressed and tired. All the time. 

“I figured everyone would be so happy and excited about living in the city that never sleeps, but I didn’t think people actually didn’t sleep.”

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James has a theory that maybe everyone was just tired from finals. “I’m thinking everyone just got super busy last fall which is why it was so miserable. I’m sure I’ll enjoy the second semester much more than the first.” 

James is also confident that she’ll meet more people this spring. “I definitely won’t eat all my meals alone this semester.”

James’ blissful optimism sounds very familiar to Stern senior and straight-B student, Jackie Borton. 

“I remember feeling like that when I was a freshman,” Borton said. “But eventually the moment came when I realized it wasn’t getting any better and I just gotta accept it. The only good part about getting older is you can legally drink, but by the time you turn 21 all you want to do is drink wine alone at home.” 

James is optimistic about keeping good spirits during the bleak winter months. “The snow is definitely going to be so pretty and fun to walk around in. Every day is going to start with a smile, and if it doesn’t, I’m sure that the Wellness Exchange Hotline is definitely super helpful.”

“No it’s not,” Borton said. “They don’t care, and the sooner you stop caring, too, the better.”

James looks forward to returning to Weinstein Residence Hall. “Some people complain that it feels like a prison, but I like it. I always have the place to myself because my roommate is never home. She’s always off ‘meeting her plug,’ whatever that means.”

Off-Third is WSN’s satire section. Try not to take us too seriously.

This article is satirical, and all quotes and events are entirely fabricated unless stated otherwise.

Email Noah Friend at [email protected]

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