Happy Alumni Weekend from Off-Third, WSN’s satire section. Try not to take us too seriously.
A soaking wet, three-week-old copy of the New York Post; two bags of unsalted cashews; one taxidermy goldfish. These were the items being hastily shoved into a Dollar Tree plastic bag last Thursday by former mayor of New York City and NYU alumnus Rudy Giuliani as he stumbled into our lunch meeting at the Just Salad on Third Avenue, only four hours and 47 minutes late. “Sorry,” he said. “Business called.”
And indeed, it had. Giuliani, who graduated from NYU Law in 1968, currently uses his degree to serve in one of the nation’s most important positions: personal attorney to the President of the United States.
The alumnus and TV personality has a lot on his plate, but he managed to make it back to his alma mater for Alumni Weekend. He hadn’t been invited to speak at any Alumni Weekend events by NYU, but he told me it didn’t matter: “I’m gonna talk, whether they want me to or not. And I’m gonna talk a lot.”
Giuliani had been kind enough to agree to speak with me in between his appearances on political talk shows, which he said were “rigged to make his words look bad.” But sadly, as soon as he arrived at our meeting at the oddly specific place his team had requested, Giuliani received a notification that he had to rush off to tend to a brand new emergency.
“It’s been so crazy, very hectic. I’m like the fire department, except I’m the Dalmatian and I breathe fire.” As he headed out, he shouted, “just text me any questions!” But sadly, the mayor had not given me his number.
Confused and dejected, I looked around at the mostly-barren lettuce store when I noticed one of Giuliani’s interns return in haste.
“He always leaves this behind,” they explained, holding up a manilla envelope marked confidential. Fortunately, I was able to convince the intern to speak briefly with me on the condition of anonymity — and to slip me that sweet, sweet phone number before they scurried off to rejoin their boss.
“You get used to him muttering nonsense,” they explained. “He really just speaks in his own language, and only a few of us are lucky enough to be able to decipher it. Like for example, when he said that ‘truth isn’t truth,’ he clearly meant that we are all part of one larger collective consciousness and that one cannot distinguish the truth of one truth more true than another truth.”
At the very least, Giuliani had created the impetus for creative thinking in those around him.
With my entire afternoon ultimately wasted, I decided to text Giuliani, the man who once brought comfort to a city in the face of tragedy, to ask him the hard-hitting questions. Here is a screenshot of our conversation before the mayor cut it short.
Giuliani seems scattered and confused in his television appearances. After spending the smaller part of a day with him, I can confirm that the NYU alumnus is, in fact, scattered and confused and also a very mean person. It was comforting for me, an NYU senior, to see the type of person that my university has trained, and what I inevitably must become.
This article is satirical, and all quotes and events are entirely fabricated unless stated otherwise.
Email Noah Friend at [email protected]