Off-Third is WSN’s satire column.

In a disappointing turn of events, NYU will retire its beloved random roommate selection starting next year, according to a recent announcement by university leadership. From now on, first-year students will have to deal with living with their so-called “friends,” deprived of the usual adrenaline and excitement that comes with knowing absolutely nothing about the other human being sleeping in your room.

You can say goodbye to the very experiences that make college “the best years of your life,” like learning to clean up after someone, or exploring the city at night thanks to your roommate’s timely sexile text.

“My first-year roommate would constantly be screaming at her parents over the phone, selling my clothes on eBay,” a first-year in Lipton Hall said. “It brings me to tears to think that future first-years will never know that kind of joy. She also killed my pet goldfish.”

The random roommate assignment system has received widespread critical acclaim over the last few years. It is often called “the only thing NYU has going for it” by higher education experts. The university’s Office of Residential Life and Housing Services was flooded with angry calls when news broke that the policy would be ending. A spokesperson for the university told WSN that it feels like NYU just can’t win.

“We can’t figure out why you guys like this system, we thought you’d be begging us to make it go away faster,” the spokesperson fumed. “You’re all impossible to please.”

Despite the university’s protestations, there is a plethora of evidence to show that the policy is an irreplaceable pillar of an NYU education. A recent study found that on other, far lesser college campuses, where students are allowed to choose their living companions, students reported feeling drowsy and unalert compared to NYU first-years.

“After my roommate threw a plate at my head because I asked him to wash his three-month-old dishes, I’ve been super alert, haven’t slept once!” said a Third North resident. “It’s saved me a ton of money on coffee, that’s for sure.”

WSN’s Opinion section strives to publish ideas worth discussing. The views presented in the Opinion section are solely the views of the writer.

Contact Molly Koch at [email protected].