It drives me absolutely insane when people don’t choose the best option. It’s even more insane when the best option is the easiest and the cheapest. I understand — and understand is a generous word — when people buy non-iPhones. Maybe they’re cheaper, maybe they don’t feel too bad about disrupting group chats and sending text messages in green and having weird fonts on their Instagram stories if they’re saving a buck. Sending me a Word document is not the same. It’s offensive, inconsiderate and truly tasteless — especially in a Google Docs world.

Word has ’80s vibes; it’s vintage and clunky. It needs a full installation and a subscription, and, really, it’s not chic. NYU does give us access, so as students we don’t have to pay for Microsoft Office, but that gives absolutely nobody the right to send me a Word document. I will not edit your essay in .docx when you so easily could’ve shared a Google Docs file with me. I will not feel bad when your work disappears because you have to carry out the vintage action of “saving as” and then continuously “command S” your way through the work. No, not when Google Docs exists. 

I don’t care how much you like writing your essays in Word, it’s offensive to convert me when you can conform. We live in a Google Docs world — get used to it. Google Docs is your friend — it saves your essay. It makes sharing easy. It has such an insane amount of storage that you’ll never have to worry about using it up. Google Drive isn’t Microsoft OneDrive, it isn’t Apple’s Cloud. It knows how much you have to say and write and create, and it’s going to give you the space to do that. Google Docs is easy, simple and straightforward. You have all of your tools at the top, and the ones that aren’t there are easy to find. Word has cluttered the top of its screen with buttons — buttons that nobody in the world would ever even think to use. 

Word is my enemy, and you are my enemy if you not only use it, but subject me to downloading a .docx. However, Word is a saint compared to the application that nobody uses and that shouldn’t exist — Pages. I just opened it on my computer for the first time, and shockingly it worked. I’m convinced Pages was in a phase where it did not actually exist because it only opened to error messages. 

Pages is early 2000s, but not in a cute way. It’s the Sarah Palin of word processors; it’s there only to be annoying but for some reason it thinks it’s mainstream. It’s on the Republican ticket, which is of course the worse of the two main ones, and of course it’s taking a backseat as VP. Apple is a 2008 Republican, essentially a centrist, and as a user of the Apple ecosystem, I hate to admit it. It’s mainstream and capitalist. It has so many problems that we just kind of overlook for ease. Pages is for Apple users only, which one would think would make for ease, but really it’s just an inconvenience. It actually doesn’t really take up much of my thoughts, because it’s just that irrelevant, but when I download something and am forced to open it in Pages, my day is ruined. 

Why must we overcomplicate things? Some things in life can just be simple. Google Docs is here for you — it’s a friend, a shoulder to cry on, a place for creativity and academia without worry. I can’t control your habits, but please, to maintain order in our society, send me your essay as a Google Doc. You can copy and paste your little essay from Word, Pages or the forbidden Notes app. Google Docs is for hot people — I don’t make the rules. 

Off-Third is WSN’s satire column. Views expressed in Off-Third do not necessarily reflect those of WSN, and our publication of opinions is not an endorsement of them.

Contact Alexandra Cohen at [email protected].