Off-Third: SHC Announces Three-Week Wait Time for Coronavirus Treatment

With the spread of the coronavirus, the Student Health Center assured students that their concerns can wait.

Noah Friend, Off-Third Editor

Amid heightened anxieties surrounding the impending novel coronavirus outbreak in New York City, many schools have taken precautionary measures. Late Sunday night, university President Andrew Hamilton’s fantasy rival school Columbia University announced that it will be canceling classes on Monday and Tuesday, while switching to remote learning on Wednesday. Fordham University in the Bronx has since followed in their steps.

As New York City braces for a near-certain pandemic, NYU, which prides itself as being “in and of the city,” has yet to take any steps towards securing the safety of its students. 

“Just take a vitamin C tab and shut up,” university spokesman John Beckman told the NYU community in an email last week.

However, the university’s lack of action hasn’t been the only thing affecting the student body. NYU’s Student Health Center, which is infamous for its frequent failures to help keep students, well, healthy, reportedly turned away a student who exhibited coronavirus symptoms.

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The Stern junior, who has asked to remain anonymous out of fear that it will affect his ability to get laid, told WSN that he went to the SHC on Monday afternoon with symptoms of high fever, intense coughs and shortness of breath. In response, SHC employees told the student that the next available appointment is in three weeks.

“I was very scared by how little it seemed like they cared,” he said mid-cough. “I felt like I was dying, but I guess because I’m not a piece of real estate, they didn’t want to use any of their precious resources to help me.”

Many have pointed out that three weeks is an incredibly long time for the testing and treatment of such an urgent ailment, including CAS sophomore Janelle Ericson, who was in the SHC when the student in question came in.

“I was at the health center to finally attend my first therapy session, which I originally scheduled back in September,” said Ericson. “Suddenly this guy came in coughing all over the place. He looked like he was really sick, but the employees told him he should just come back in three weeks. What if I have coronavirus now?”

University spokesperson John Beckman has explained the University’s decision, claiming that this is standard protocol. “At the SHC, we always book appointments three weeks away to make sure that students aren’t faking it. Sure enough, after three weeks, students are either fine or dead, so it’s clear that the system is effective. Treating all of our students for whatever they claim to have would be very expensive, what are we made of? money?”

Students have been advised by anyone who has ever been to the SHC to seek treatment literally anywhere else for any of their medical concerns.

Off-Third is WSN’s satire section. Try not to take us too seriously.

This article is satirical, and all quotes and events are entirely fabricated unless stated otherwise. As of the writing of this article, there have been no reported cases of the coronavirus at the New York campus of New York University.

Email Noah Friend at [email protected]

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