In New York City there is a strange paradox: Loneliness thrives in one of the most densely populated cities in the country, a reality that has only become more apparent following the COVID-19 pandemic. We cram into subway cars with strangers, walk in large crowds and wait in long lines, yet so many of us remain isolated. Our fast-paced lifestyle makes it unusual for people to stop and start a conversation, meaning it is difficult to make connections and establish a social network. On NYU’s urban campus, with its lack of a traditional campus quad and students scattered across the city, real connection requires more effort. Classes end, students slip on their headphones and the city swallows us back into anonymity.
When working as a barista in a coffee shop, I remember how rare it was for someone to begin their order with a simple, “Hi, how are you?” While these four words may seem inconsequential, the small talk made my mundane routine a bit more bearable, and gave me a chance to connect with a few customers who usually were in too much of a rush to start a conversation.
Even in a city where it may feel impossible to be alone, loneliness has become a national crisis. In 2023, the U.S. Surgeon General called loneliness an “epidemic,” especially among young people between the ages of 15 and 24. Despite this, small talk gets a bad rap. New Yorkers pride themselves on their hyper-independence and brisk efficiency, unenthralled by the idea of small talk and often going out of their way to avoid it. Perhaps this is because when you are lonely and lacking genuine connection, these pleasantries — because of their superficial and sometimes insincere nature — can seem like a mockery of the social connection one truly desires. But we stand to gain a lot by inviting small talk into our lives.
Small talk isn’t about just the weather or your weekend plans. They are invitations, though small, to create a connection with someone new. Small talk with strangers has been proven to improve our mental health, even when it’s with an acquaintance or stranger. In an experiment conducted in London, commuters were told to chat with people sitting near them, and those who engaged in a short conversation reported having a more enjoyable ride. The same goes for coffee shops, where a study found that patrons who stopped and interacted with the barista reported a more positive mood than those who simply ordered and left.
So what is stopping us from striking up a conversation with a stranger? We often hesitate to do so because we think small talk will be unwelcome or seen as intrusive. However, research suggests we are wrong when we assume our attempts to connect with strangers will be rejected and that people are generally more open to friendly interactions than we think. This research also shows that people using public transportation are more likely to report a positive experience commuting if they interact with their fellow commuters. By holding back, silence becomes a missed opportunity for both parties.
It is possible our anxiety of talking to others is because we have forgotten how to engage with those around us. Though the months of isolation caused by COVID-19 have long passed, the effect it has had on our conversational skills still lingers. To steer clear of an awkward interaction, avoid asking a direct question when starting a conversation. Instead, start by giving a compliment or stating an observation about your shared environment, which is more likely to start a good social exchange than simple questions like, “How are you?” that are often met with run of the mill responses.
Small talk is a causal nod to our shared desire for meaningful connection with others. It is the groundwork on which more meaningful social interactions are built. People like to ease into vulnerability and get comfortable with one another before diving into deeper conversations. Even if small talk can at times feel superficial, it still expresses an openness to a relationship and a genuine desire to connect and remain in good standing with another person. So next time you are in line at a coffee shop, sitting on a crowded subway or studying at Bobst, take a chance and start a conversation. You don’t know what a simple compliment or conversation might mean to them, or to you.
WSN’s Opinion section strives to publish ideas worth discussing. The views presented in the Opinion section are solely the views of the writer.
Contact Claire Cordonnier at [email protected].
