Over the past few weeks, the residents of Lafayette Hall started to notice that their neighborhood was becoming more restricted. Instead of just the single perpetual police officer in front of the nearby 7-Eleven, cop cars are now parked on every corner. News trucks have been parked near and around the hall for weeks. Tisch students constantly swarm the area, pointing at the press and saying, “They’re here for me.”

The focus, though, is not on these students — it’s on “Home Alone 2” star Donald John Trump. 

Hundreds of protesters and counterprotesters have also been crowding lower Manhattan as of late, preparing for Trump’s arraignment. The first ex-president to ever be indicted, this marks a historic moment in U.S. history. But students in Lafayette Hall don’t care about the history books — they just want to get to class.

“Listen, at this point, I’ll subsidize Trump’s prison meals with my extra Downstein meal swipes as long as he gets these reporters out of here,” said one resident, who lives on the building’s third floor. “I just want to make it to Writing the Essay without being asked about my thoughts on hush money.”

Other students are criticizing Trump for his timing, arguing that he should have just waited a little longer before getting arrested.

“I just feel like this is a bad time in the semester to pull something like this,” one student said. “I mean, I want him locked up as much as the next guy, but couldn’t we just wait for the middle of May? Trump is temporary, but the hit to my GPA from having protests in the middle of exam season is forever.”

Other students are upset that all the chaos affected their morning commutes. Residents argue that they need to get to class rain or shine, arraignment or not, and that history is getting in the way of their status as “academic weapons.”

A senior who lives on the fourth floor shared a complaint about the noise, asking, “How am I supposed to write my eight-page double-spaced essay on the symbolic history of the tangerine when the people on the streets are so loud?”

Some students have been approached by news stations who want their perspective, but they have all refused to talk — unless the station will give them a summer internship. 

The influx of traffic in the area has also caused major delays. NYU’s Route B bus, which usually picks students up at 80 Lafayette St. and drops them at 721 Broadway, is now driving through New Jersey and back to avoid the growing crowds. The usual 10-minute route now takes about three hours — and that’s on a good day.

The majority of the buses, though, have been canceled altogether. Safe Ride, the newly implemented facility for students to get back to their dorms late at night, has been shut down completely. In an email detailing the new commute plans to students, the university simply told them to “run,” adding, “Do your best.”

Whether it’s witnessing a brawl at the Canal Street station or stalking the cast of “Succession,” NYU students are integral bystanders to the ebbs and flows of New York history. It pretty much comes with the price of admission. So, as Donald Trump’s criminal investigation continues to develop, most students say they have other stuff to worry about.

A politics major shared that they were so annoyed with the rioting that they opted out of classes entirely. 

“At least the protests are good for feigning stress and getting excused absences from class,” they said. “I’ve still been able to see my Hinge matches, though. Obviously my place is dangerous, so I have to go over to theirs.”  

While Trump’s fate lies in the balance of the law, one thing stands for certain: NYU students just want to prevail as the upstanding American college students we are expected to be. 

Off-Third is WSN’s satire column.

WSN’s Opinion section strives to publish ideas worth discussing. The views presented in the Opinion section are solely the views of the writer.

Contact Lily Ritterman-Peña at [email protected].