An anonymous source confirmed the real reason Palladium Food Court failed its health inspection. Rather than improper food storage and the presence of filth flies, as was originally thought, Palladium hired a talking rat to oversee all cooking operations.
The chef, Remy, first achieved fame after being featured in “Ratatouille,” a Pixar documentary about his time as a French chef. After being deported from France for various war crimes, Remy found a new home in the New York City sewers. He ended up in Washington Square Park with other rats of similar culinary instincts, dining on leftover pommes frites in the trash cans and stealing dollar pizza from unsuspecting tourists taking photos in front of the arch.
“I kept telling Remy to keep his head down now that he’s been deported — and to stay away from any kitchens,” Remy’s brother Emile told WSN. “But Remy can’t stay away from his love of food.”
Soon enough, Remy found a flyer advertising a new job opening at Palladium’s dining hall while burrowing in one of the overflowing trash cans at Washington Square Park. Though they were initially resistant to hiring a rat, NYU Eats was won over by Remy’s impressive resume and a free showing of his heart-warming movie. Guided by the motto “anyone can cook,” they chose to hire our favorite anthropomorphic rat as head of dining. Remy revolutionized Palladium brunch. He introduced the famous chocolate fountain and began personally overseeing the omelet station from inside the chef’s hat.
“It was absolutely wild,” Remy said. “Of course, I knew I would get the job — I’m too talented not to. I’m honestly just surprised that NYU doesn’t offer authentic French cuisine.”
Unfortunately, Remy’s reign over Palladium brunch came to an unfortunate end when he was caught sniffing around the pantry by a health inspector. The inspector refused to hear any of the staff’s pleas to keep Remy on board. He was seen running from the kitchen, screaming, “We cannot have rats in this kitchen!” He failed Palladium immediately and banned Remy from the kitchen (Remy’s departure, according to tradition, meant the loss of another star for Palladium).
“It was a bold move, hiring a rat to work for us,” a Chartwells staff member told WSN. “Remy has something special, though; he has a real love for cooking and a passion for providing the best to our students. I mean, look at us. Palladium brunch is a hit! Name one student who doesn’t love our brunch! You can’t! Everyone loves us now!” At this point he started breaking down in tears, and had to be escorted away from the interview by other teary-eyed staff.
And he isn’t the only one who wants Remy back. Students have begun protesting in Bobst Library to urge NYU President Andrew Hamilton to rehire Remy, citing a lack of better food options.
“I don’t care if a rat was behind all of this,” student organizer and Gallatin sophomore Jasmine Collins said. “Palladium brunch has literally never been better. Have you seen our dining halls? My options are limited enough as it is.”
But once again, Remy was forced to pack his bags and find a new home — one where he could live out his dreams of being a chef.
“I’m not sure what I’ll do next,” Remy said. “All I want is to keep cooking.” He waved a tear-filled goodbye to all of his new friends on the dining staff and disappeared into the sewers once again.
Rumor has it that Remy is now working undercover at Kimmel. The Kimmel dining staff have hid him well — so well, in fact, that they managed to get an A on their health inspection while hiding him in one of their chef’s hats. Kimmel’s head chef declined to comment on this speculation, nervously pulling down his hat as he walked away.
Off-Third is WSN’s satire section. Try not to take us too seriously.
This article is satirical, and all quotes and events are entirely fabricated unless stated otherwise.
Email Nidhi Sinha at [email protected]