With Valentine’s Day it’s hard not to think about the one thing that can turn a date into a debate: politics. While most of us can leave political discourse at the dinner table, what happens when those differences start to affect your relationship? Can opposites really attract when it comes to ideology? Since 1994, partisan animosity has grown significantly, with the number of individuals on either side of the aisle who possess a highly negative view of the opposing party more than doubling. In today’s polarized world, where moral foundations and self-righteousness divide us more than ever, we need to remember the importance of interpersonal connection.
Political polarization is to blame for many things — awkward family gatherings, friends unfollowing each other after a single post and even dogs barking at people for wearing the wrong color. According to Newsweek, partisan polarization “is increasingly influencing individuals’ personal choices, with political positions becoming a key part of Americans’ identity.” With ideological silos now common on both the left and right, people are increasingly flocking toward like-minded individuals, creating impenetrable echo chambers of political ideology.
This political divide isn’t just influencing friendships, it’s seeping into our love lives. A survey of over six thousand people found that 81% of U.S. respondents would prefer not to date someone with different political views. Online dating apps allow people to filter by political preferences, reinforcing the idea that political compatibility is non-negotiable, leaving little room for those with differences to connect.
Could this be because some people believe their views are the only correct way of thinking? Being self-righteous about political beliefs makes it difficult to connect with others, turning differences into personal judgments. Political differences become reflections of a person’s character, creating an unnecessary wedge between people.
Unwillingness to date across political lines is often due to a lack of understanding about the moral foundations that shape political views. According to a paper published in the National Library of Medicine, there are five moral foundations: harm, fairness, ingroup, authority and purity. These foundations influence political attitudes on issues like justice, empathy and loyalty. Liberals tend to prioritize harm and fairness, while conservatives place more importance on loyalty, authority and purity. By understanding these foundations, we can see that political beliefs can be different yet deeply tied to the same core values, which helps establish common ground even among those who we disagree with.
Political polarization also increases self-righteousness, making people feel morally superior and justified in dismissing opposing views as wrong, which blinds us to other perspectives. Jonathan Haidt, NYU professor and New York Times bestselling author of “The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion,” writes that he was once strongly opposed to conservatives and religion, but after conducting research and engaging with conservative media, he gained a deeper understanding of their views.
This insight is crucial in understanding political differences, not just in romantic relationships, but also in the broader context of societal polarization. These political foundations affect all parts of life. Conservatives and liberals often exhibit psychological concerns, which show how they see the world and develop their political ideals.
For example, conservatives tend to prefer social practices that give off the impression of order and predictability and decry liberals for embracing what they perceive to be chaos and randomness. Yet, as Haidt describes, this “chaos” could merely take the form of responding to something your parent says in a manner akin to backtalk. The mere difference of perception and societal standards means that we take those who disagree with us at their worst, not giving them the benefit of the doubt for the values they may truly hold and express differently than us. These psychological differences extend beyond politics and affect daily behaviors, like how we decorate our rooms or eat at restaurants. Recognizing these differences is key to understanding where a person’s political views originate from and engaging in open-minded conversations.
This understanding can be transformational in approaching political opposition. If you’re left-leaning, for instance, recognizing the moral foundations that guide right-leaning people can help you communicate more effectively. When people understand each other’s perspectives, it fosters civility and emotional connection. Whether that takes the form of discussing common cares rather than harping on points of disagreement, or even explaining where one’s disagreement comes from, we can begin to engage with each other like real people again.
“When you get people to actually understand each other,” Haidt explains. “And they let down their guard, and they learn something new, and they see humanity in someone that they disliked or hated or demonized before, that’s really thrilling.”
Political differences don’t need to be deal breakers — they can be opportunities. Molly Eagan, who has worked in several socially liberal organizations like Planned Parenthood and the Trevor Project, is married to a Republican. She grew up in a progressive bubble in Amherst, Massachusetts, attended Columbia University and now resides in New York City. Yet, in an interview with WSN, she described her marriage as “absolutely spectacular.” Disagreeing politically hasn’t diminished the love between her and her spouse. Eagan explains that she and her husband can discuss issues without it turning into an argument, simply by framing their conversations with the goal of understanding, not winning. Eagan also intentionally diversifies her media consumption to better understand conservative viewpoints, which broadens her own perspective. Living in a political bubble can limit one’s understanding of the world, but being with someone who challenges your ideas encourages deeper reflection on your values and the reasons behind them.
Dating someone with different political beliefs isn’t about compromising your values — it’s about expanding your perspective. By understanding each other’s perspectives and prioritizing respect, curiosity and open communication, relationships can transcend political divides. Those differences can foster empathy, understanding and introspection.
Love and connection are about more than just voting records. Embracing our differences can help us grow into better partners, better citizens and better people.
WSN’s Opinion section strives to publish ideas worth discussing. The views presented in the Opinion section are solely the views of the writer.
Contact Zofia Fernandini at [email protected].
