First-year NYU students, plagued by insecurity and inexperience, often doubt their merit as members of the Violet community. In fact, a large portion of these first-years claim to suffer from imposter syndrome, the feeling that you are less qualified than your peers and don’t deserve to be where you are. This affliction is yet another product of rampant self-diagnosis among NYU’s student body.

Imposter syndrome does not exist, and if you think you’re not smart or talented enough to be here, then you’re probably right.

Talented people almost never doubt themselves. Taylor Swift said, “I’ve always been sure of my talent, I’m Taylor Swift, for God’s sake.” Maybe she did not speak these words in this order nor this combination, but the sentiment remains the same. Would you like to be on Broadway, but aren’t sure you have what it takes? Maybe be a stagehand, because losers, like yourself, should not be seen by anyone.

According to a new study conducted by the University of Successful People, anyone who ever doubts themselves will be a failure. One participant in this study, 11-year-old Timothy Williams, claimed he had always wanted to be a cowboy. When asked if he had any doubt about his dream, the fifth grader stated, “I don’t remember, I was like four when this study began.” He “doesn’t remember”? He was “like four”? That sounds like doubt to me. You may be wondering, is Timothy Williams now a cowboy? No, he’s a failure.

Another study, conducted by the University of Good Mothers, found that 100% of negative self thoughts are accurate. The study was conducted with a calculated error margin of 88%, so it’s possible that up to 188% of your negative thoughts are true.

It also seems that your friends are more likely to achieve things than you are. At NYU, nearly everyone is smart and talented. Although the admissions process is rigorous, some mistakes are bound to sneak in. That’s where you, the reader, found your window of opportunity. Sure, you exaggerated a little on your application and took easier classes in high school, but everyone did that, right? Wrong. No one else cheated their way in. They all know who you really are. If they don’t say anything, it’s because they’re too nice. Drop out, honestly. Give someone who earned it a chance.

Are you even doing anything this summer? Successful people have lined up both rewarding internships and classes. They probably even have a passive source of income that you’re too lazy to look into. I guess daddy will figure it out, huh? God, you’re disgusting.

In a poll conducted by me that consisted of all your closest family and friends, only 5% of them thought you belonged at such an elite institution. A second poll was given out, regarding the one person who said you did belong here, and 100% of those who responded said that “Aunt Tina was just being nice.”

What makes you think you should be here, anyway? You’re not the smartest or the most talented or even the nicest kid from your high school. But you just had to go to the big city, huh? State school wasn’t worthy of you. You’re a pretentious, tiny little person. This reporter is, frankly, sickened by you.

Off-Third is WSN’s satire column.

Contact Abe Shapiro at [email protected].