On the heels of the Food and Drug Administration’s recent authorization of certain vape products for the first time — a victory largely attributed to the joint grassroots organizing of Washington Square Park skater boys and every bodega owner in the East Village who “doesn’t take cash” — the New York City Health Department should officially approve the use of cigarettes in indoor spaces, not just the Bobst sidewalk.

“We should not deny the children of the simple joys of a little drink and a little smoke,” former chair of NYU’s Vaguely European Cultural Center Jean-Luc de Marlboro wrote in a press release on the back cover of a coffee-stained copy of “My Year of Rest and Relaxation.” 

“Who knows, it might actually be good for them,” said de Marlboro, who is currently seeking Mayor Adams’ nomination for health commissioner.

While these claims were quickly debunked and condemned in a Change.org petition signed by Dr. Anthony Fauci and every other medical professional in the United States, Marlboro’s assistant told reporters that he is neither aware of nor planning on responding to the backlash anytime soon. He is on day three of an ayahuasca bender and will need a week or six, in St. Tropez to decompress. 

This hotly contested issue has brought together thousands of self-proclaimed New Yorkers who are fighting for their right to smoke. One woman smoking a Newport outside Lucien explained in an unplaceable, sophisticated accent to no one in particular that it was a human right to “experience a temporary buzz, but a timeless aesthetic.” 

The pro-smoking movement that many are calling “Destigmatize the Cig” has brought together even the most diametrically opposed factions of the nepotism baby community. Even belligerent Sternies and “ironic” drunk Tisch bros have been able to put aside their differences. Smoking a broken Marlboro Red outside Phebes, they both concur with the unconscious Goldman intern eloquently slurring that, “a cig, when you’re drunk, it’s like a mental health thing, you know?”

With passionate organizers from Wall Street to Washington Square Park, it’s clear that pretentious underage Manhattanites are committed to creating a better, more smoke-filled tomorrow. 

Contact Hope Donovan at [email protected].