As Thanksgiving break approaches, many NYU students will be traveling home. Airports will be packed, security lines will be hours long and an already overwhelming travel day will become the worst day of your life. To ease some tension on the busiest day of travel in the United States, you should take advantage of the free entertainment that airports offer. No, I am not referring to the free in-flight entertainment, but instead, the best source of drama and gossip the Federal Aviation Administration has to offer: people-watching.
As someone who hates flying but loves the airport, I have compiled a list of the awful and fabulous — but more likely awful — people you might see. While the airport is home to thousands of different characters, these are the archetypes you are bound to encounter. You may see yourself in some of these characters, and in that case, consider changing your ways.
The Dad
If you have never had to go through an airport with this person, consider yourself lucky. For the dad, the airport is their Roman Empire. They probably made you wake up at 5 a.m. for your flight at noon. They likely screamed at traffic the entire ride there. While they pretend to know what they are doing, they are always the least prepared for security and bag check and have no clue where to go. Once they get through security, they have to go to their gate and make sure it exists. No matter what, they must lay eyes on the gate. When it is time for boarding, no one is more excited to get on the plane than the dad. This character is the reason for any and all stress caused by traveling and they will have you wishing the vacation is over before it even started. Note: The dad may be a gendered term, but it is not exclusive; anyone can be a dad. My mom is the biggest dad I know.
The Screaming Toddler
Anytime you get on a plane, someone is bound to be a first-time flier. If you’re lucky it will be a middle-aged person that minds their business. However, if you are expecting any kind of bad karma to come your way, you might find yourself next to the screaming toddler. When all you want to do is sleep on the plane, the screaming toddler will be your worst nightmare. Their staggered screams will echo through the plane and into your eardrums, causing dismay to every passenger on board. There is a good chance you will be miserable just because “Cocomelon” turned off for two seconds. The screaming toddler might deserve a little grace because they are 2 years old, but I am far too petty and unforgiving to let go of hours of torture.
The Track Star
Unfortunately, it’s impossible for everyone to time their travels properly, but this person has never been on time for a flight in their life. When they get to the airport, it’s about 15 minutes before the doors close on their flight. This is when they lace up their shoes, strap on their backpack and run. When this person sees the security wait, they start rustling through the lines frantically telling people they are going to miss their flight. Before anyone can respond, this person has made it to the front of the security line. Once they get through, they run faster than Usain Bolt to get to their gate. Somehow they make it to the gate just before the doors close. It’s really unfortunate that this person has never missed their flight, because the cycle just keeps on repeating. They will never learn.
The Travel Vlogger
I thought travel vloggers were abundant when YouTube was big, but now everyone on TikTok wants to be a micro-influencer. Equipped with a camera, a tripod and a dream, this person is ready to be a menace to the airport. The travel vlogger might be found recording the hour-long security line or filming a mukbang consisting of airline food. You know you are in for a treat the second this person presses the record button. I would love to endlessly hate this person, but unfortunately, they are great at travelling. They know exactly when to get to the airport, they have their ID and boarding pass ready at all times and know exactly what to pack. If they could just put the camera down, they’d be a great person to travel with.
The Businessman
DILF alert. This is not your typical Stern finance bro. In fact, this is the least problematic person at the airport. This person skips the long lines of security because they have a TSA PreCheck. This person mysteriously sits at the bar and drinks an old fashioned. This person is dressed in a tailored suit, and oh do they look good. They can be spotted by their gate taking a business call or day trading. While they go about their business, the flight attendants are drooling over them fighting over who gets to give them a seat upgrade. The businessman makes frequent rounds between their home office in New York City and headquarters in Los Angeles, so they know their way around an airport. Overall, they are well-mannered and really hot. I couldn’t ask for a better airport crush.
Contact Dylan Henschen at [email protected].
