Sitting through the miserable slog that is “Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey” is the cinematic equivalent of watching a speeding train crash into a gigantic dump. It’s bad, but not in a “so bad, it’s good” way. It’s simply abysmal, almost to the point where you can’t take your eyes off of it. 

“Blood and Honey,” announced in May 2022, was conceived after A.A. Milne’s original copyright for the character of Pooh expired earlier that year, allowing artists to freely use the source material in future projects. Writer and director Rhys Waterfield attempted to subvert expectations by turning Pooh into a bloodthirsty murderer. Long story short: It didn’t go well.

“Blood and Honey” falls apart as soon as the actors open their mouths. Christopher Robin (Nikolai Leon), now an adult, has returned to Hundred Acre Wood, the forest where he first met the creatures Pooh (Craig David Dowsett), Piglet (Chris Cordell) and Eeyore. They used to be best friends, but Robin’s departure for college and his neglect of his anthropomorphic companions resulted in their starvation, forcing Pooh and Piglet to eat Eeyore. The duo now seeks to torture Robin as a means of revenge.

As if the setup of the film wasn’t brainless enough, it went the extra mile by establishing a group of forgettable side characters, mostly women, all of whom are devoid of personality. The protagonist, Maria (Maria Taylor), suffers from nightmares which are described to viewers in the vaguest way possible. She decides to settle in a cabin in Hundred Acre Wood with her friends — and little do they know, Pooh and Piglet are out for blood. The inauthentic, even laughable, acting only worsened the performance, but its absurdity was the highlight of the 84-minute-long violation of cinema.

There is no artistry in “Blood and Honey.” The cinematography is staggeringly dull in moments of levity and genuinely eye-straining in moments of suspense. The sound design is awful. The musical scoring is deplorable. The editing makes the audience dizzy. Waterfield earns some respect, however, for the visual effects, which aren’t terrible for a film whose budget is under $100,000. Even so, these effects are used in such a provocative way that it comes off as manipulative and dispassionate.

“Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey” deserves every negative descriptor one could possibly apply to a film. Don’t waste your time.

Contact Yezen Saadah at [email protected].