Welcome to Femland

Natasha Jokic, Staff Writer

Frustrated women of the United States, you’re in luck: there’s a new, women’s only island created just for you. It’s called Femland, because that sounds just enough like Finland that the men in your life (who probably aren’t listening to you anyway) might mishear you and think you’re going on a lovely trip to the Nordics. Unlike Finland, everything will be colored pink; because how else would we know it’s for women? I’m here to tell you exactly why you should join me this winter break for a truly unforgettable trip.

We have a morning ritual to cleanse our minds and bodies: hysterical yoga. It’s a bit like screaming yoga, where you unleash a series of swear words and yell to unleash your rage, but more hysterical. Which works, because all these complaints about the injustices in this world are, of course, nothing but hysterical shrieking anyway. Plus, with yoga. Because all women love yoga. Also, we do look great in a pair of leggings. Here’s a handy exercise you can try at home. Breathe in, take a deep lunge, and scream “I can’t believe Brett Kavanaugh got appointed to the Supreme Court.” Feels good, right? I mean, you can say anything you want — your political protests won’t really be taken seriously, so go off.

If all of the screaming is making you hungry, then you’re in luck. The ladies of Femland know that cooking is largely women’s work, so we’re the ones in the kitchen making sure we offer you the best tasting meals. Our food inspirations here include Gordon Ramsay and Jamie Oliver, some of the greatest culinary masterminds.  Obviously you wouldn’t want recipes crafted by women when cooking is a male dominated industry. That would just be ridiculous. All of these meals would be fat free, of course.You wouldn’t want to consume all those calories you just burned doing hysterical yoga, now would you?

When you get bored of all the yelling and eating, we offer some of the best laboratories and studio work spaces in the world. Now, if you’re thinking this sounds a bit like science, don’t worry, it’s nothing of the sort; this is Woscience! Of course, women have no interest in STEM subjects — just look at how few women are entering the field. This is completely different. Woscience. A field of study completely distinct from regular science, despite the similarity in title. And even though you’ll be doing the same amount of work as you would in a field of classic science, you definitely will not be getting the same levels of recognition for your time and sacrifice.

Illustration by Tina Zhou

Apart from the workspace, Femland can boast the lowest rates of domestic violence and sexual assault in the world. Now, I know what you’re thinking — is it because we banned short skirts? Got all women to carry pepper spray? Heavily chastised any of them for drinking? The answer is, of course! It has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that there aren’t any men on the island whatsoever.

For those coming with children, we want to assure you that you won’t feel too far from home during your time in Femland. As a result, we can proudly say that we absolutely do not guarantee paid maternity leave! This puts Femland in a fantastic group of countries, including the United States, Papua New Guinea and Lesotho. Your home country’s status as one of the only developed countries on this list is a title that we want you all to proudly proclaim. We wouldn’t want the United States to forget just how advanced it is, right?

Before you arrive, make sure to exchange your dollars into Femmoney. Everything costs the same as it does in America, but it’s important to know that one Femmoney is only worth 78 percent of one dollar. After all, isn’t that why you chose to come here?

I look forward to your stay, and Femland eagerly awaits your arrival.

A version of this article appeared in the Monday, Oct. 22 print edition.

Opinions expressed on the editorial pages are not necessarily those of WSN, and our publication of opinions is not an endorsement of them.

Email Natasha Jokic at [email protected]

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