HUMOR: Genius Rat Chef Secret to Lipton’s Cookies


Louis Rodriguez

Bertram and his famous chocolate-chip cookies

Laura Rubio, Staff Writer

The master behind Lipton Residence Hall’s famous cookies has finally been revealed. After the annual health inspection of all the dining halls, officials found that a genius rat chef by the name of Bertram was the mystery star baker.

“I couldn’t believe it — I was about to shut down the whole school,” said Robert Small, one of the health code inspectors on the scene. “But then I tasted one of these chocolate chip cookies, and they were so just so gooey. I couldn’t do that to the kids.”

Spectators on the scene said the cookies brought Small to his knees, and he swiftly resigned to open his own bakery. Once the New York City Department of Health got wind of Bertram, it sent its top officials to Lipton to settle the matter once and for all.

“This is an abomination — we can’t have filthy rodents running around a kitchen like that,” said Henry Lamont of the NYC Department of Health.

He was later found sneaking a freshly baked batch into his briefcase and was dismissed from the city case immediately.

What is more alarming is the fact that NYU has been aware of Bertram’s existence for the past decade. Upon the university’s request for more discretion, human chefs began to sneak Bertram in and out of Lipton in their chef hats. Once inside, Bertram works in his private bakery room where he is not to be disturbed.

“Bertram’s always cooking up new ways to improve his classic chocolate chip cookies,” said a Lipton dining hall employee who insisted on anonymity. “Last semester he tried to make a vegan version of them that didn’t fly too well. That was a tough week for him.”

Students were also quick to demonstrate support for Bertram and gathered in Washington Square Park earlier this week to hold a Rat Ally Rally.

“We don’t know what Bertram’s experience has been like because none of us are rats,” Steinhardt sophomore Samantha Gonzales said at the event. “But we support him and love his cookies. Nothing will ever change that.”

Bertram the Rat started working at Lipton back in 1957 when it was known as Hayden — he was born on the E train and is 78 years old. Bertram began baking at the age of 11 and was recently invited as a guest judge on the newest season of “Chopped.”

“I’m just a small rat with big dreams,” Bertram said in an exclusive interview with WSN. “I hope the university keeps me around because, contrary to popular belief, not everyone can cook.”

Email Laura Rubio at [email protected]