HUMOR: Senior Living in Single Room Still Manages to Get Sexiled


David Scherker

Hopeful senior Chris Stert camps out by door hoping to be first inside his own bedroom.

By Louis Rodriguez, Humor Editor

After a winded day of wearing suits and sighing through lectures, Stern senior Chris Stert came home to a white sock on his doorknob, marking his first sexile of the new school year.

“I don’t know what else to do,” Stert said. “I filled out the forms. I made sure that I was living alone. I did everything they asked but it just won’t stop.”

At around midday Stert got a text reading “hey can I have the room tonight for a bit? thnx” from an unknown caller.

“The number was from Iowa.” Stert assterted. “I’ve never been to Iowa. Am I going to get bed bugs? Is this how that happens?”

After his banging on the door was drowned out by saucy sounds unfit to print, Stert resigned himself to the tile floor realizing that before long it would all start over again: the Magnums in the toilet and empty jars of Nutella in the sink — usual reminders of his bone-dry sex life.

“That’s always how it happens.” Stert said. “The hot roommates, they won’t leave me alone. I knew I should have moved to Bushwick.”

To wait out the event, Stert set up camp outside his room with high hopes to be the first one in when the door opened. NYU considers a normal tent as prohibited furniture so he settled for a more compact doggy tent.

Stert nursed his sorrows with three seasons of “Jane the Virgin” and a bottle of whiskey.

“Hey, at least it’s a place to stay,” Stert said.

Email Louis Rodriguez at [email protected].