In an unprecedented exclusive with WSN, an insider sat down with hockey fan and resident sad girl Rachel from Canada and revealed plans to further expand the NHL into new non-traditional markets. What with the Las Vegas Golden Knights debuting in Sin City this coming fall, the Insider — who prefers to remain anonymous — told WSN that that was just the beginning.
Washington Square News: So you’re saying NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman is moving forward with plans to move teams into non-traditional regions?
The Insider: Yes. That is what I’m saying.
WSN: Because you’ve found that the teams in Florida and Arizona, to name a few, have been such a success?
TI: Yes. Yes we have.
WSN: Could you name some of the planned locations?
TI: Well, um, we’re really looking at the prospect of a Neverland team, an Atlantis team and we really think an Antarctica team would be the right move for the league, you know, ice and all.
WSN: So you’re saying—
TI: OH! And Timbuktu.
WSN: And when are these teams slated to start?
TI: Well, pending approval from the NHL Board of Directors and NHLPA — which we don’t think’ll be too much of a problem — we’d really like to move in on securing arenas and get the teams up and running for the beginning of the 2018-19 season. Once The Golden Knights have a year under their belts — and we’re sure they’ll be a huge success — we at the NHL think that’ll be the right moment to introduce new teams.
WSN: And how will the current conferences be affected?
TI: Oh, well we’ll definitely have to get rid of some teams, you know relocate them to these new locations.
WSN: Oh? And who’s going to be on the chopping block?
TI: Oh, you know, the usual suspects — The Habs, Rangers, Maple Leafs, Bruins probably.
WSN: But those are original six teams, you’re just going to get rid of them in favour of these locations that have no history with any major North American sports league?
TI: We just really want to go a new way with the league.
WSN: And how do you expect fans of those teams to react.
TI: Oh, we think they’ll be quite excited for this switch, though there might be a transition period, it’ll mostly just revolve around getting the new merchandise out to them, but we really think they’ll be ready to embrace their relocated teams.
WSN: And how will these teams be composed?
TI: The first line of each existing team, as well as their starting goaltender, will be entered into a lottery and assigned to one of the new teams.
WSN: So, players like Sidney Crosby, Jonathan Toews, Connor McDavid and the like are all up for grabs?
TI: Yep, they could be heading to a Neverland Arena near you come Fall of 2018.
So there ya have it folks. Stay tuned.
Email Rachel from Canada at [email protected] This report has been a part of our special April 1 parody coverage. Check back next week when we get back to business.