The Sports Kid Column: Three More Petty Westbrook Outfits

Bobby Wagner

And now, we interrupt your broadcast for a special alert: Russell Westbrook has just won the superlative as the “Most Petty, Perfect Human on Earth.”

Last night’s much-anticipated showdown between Westbrook and Kevin Durant, former teammates in Oklahoma City for eight years, was one of the most-hyped early regular season games in recent memory. And in typical Westbrook fashion, he made the first move. Probably the most underrated part of this move is that Uncle LeBron thought he had the pettiest move of the week but once again was forced to come to terms with the fact that, while he might be the best player in the league, he’s still super whack. In honor of Westbrook snagging this prestigious award — and following in the out-of-this-world petty footsteps of Shaq and LeBron before him — here are three outfits I hope Westbrook considers for his encore on Jan. 18, the next time the Thunder travel to Oracle Arena.

A shirt with Durant’s entire Player’s Tribune article printed on it

When Durant announced that he was leaving Oklahoma City for the super Warriors, he caught a lot of flak. The scrutiny only got more intense when he went most of the summer without talking much about his motivation to leave, giving the public only this article to work with. Can’t you picture Russ rolling up in a shirt with these words, Constitution handwriting style, wrapping around a crop top shirt? It’s too beautiful; I think I’m starting to cry.

A Warriors Western Conference Champs hat with this picture printed over the front

It wasn’t so much that Durant left the Thunder. That was reasonable, maybe even to be expected. He spent the better part of his adult life there and came so close to attaining that NBA title he so deeply covets while wearing the blue and orange. Fans and hot takers took more gripe with the fact that Durant left for the team that had eliminated him the year before, citing the Old Timer Logic that says you should always have some crazy chip on your shoulder about wanting to vanquish those who previously vanquished you. No matter what side you’re on (which is probably a stupid and unnecessary dichotomy, since there aren’t really sides to this argument), it’d still be amazing to feel the icy chill of a Westbrook vengeance tour — fitting him into a hat this petty would just be icing on the cake.

An entire Kevin Durant Thunder jersey, complete with shorts and KD shoes

My head and heart would explode if this happened. Added bonus: adding, in red sharpie, a 2008-2016 obituary memo. “Here lies Kevin Durant. And here he lies, and lies and lies. We were once brothers.”

Email Bobby Wagner at [email protected]

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