The Sports Kid Column: The Steph Curry Plane of Stupidity

Objectively speaking, Steph Curry has bridged reality and created an entirely new religion. In 2016, Steph Curry demonstrated that he had the spiritual command of most major deities. Steph Curry in 2016 is what Creed was talking about when they wanted to be taken higher.

Last week, Editor-in-Chief Alex Bazeley and I were watching highlights from the regular season Warriors vs. Thunder game in which Steph broke the single-game three point record. After he hit a fadeaway three over Kyle Singler, fell to the ground and popped up, we had a version of the following exchange:

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AB (a die-hard Warriors fan): “I hate him.”

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Me: “He’s not real.”

AB: “I hate him.”

Me: “Steph Curry is literally stupid. He has elevated himself to a plane of stupidity that only few can reach. He is so good that it’s actually just dumb for him to even exist in this world.”

AB: “I just hate him.”

This conversation sparked a running unwritten list between Alex and I of things or people that are good enough in their respective trade to break the fourth dimension and enter into the Steph Curry Plane of Stupidity. Here are five things that are too good to exist in this universe but still grace us with their presence in life:

1. Noah Syndergaard throwing a 95 mph slider against the Kansas City Royals

In the MLB’s opening weekend earlier this month, Syndergaard got the nod for game two. Postgame, opposing manager Ned Yost said that no human on earth could have hit that pitch. I had a buddy in high school whose brother used to say that we as humans were completely oblivious to the fact that a reptilian alien race had already started using human bodies as hosts and were getting ready to take over the world. I’m starting to believe him.

2. Bryce Harper having more home runs than strikeouts to this point in the season.

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In the young MLB season, just under 20 games for most teams, Nationals superstar Bryce Harper has hit eight home runs and only struck out six times. If you didn’t do a spit take reading that, then read it again. This isn’t even fathomable. Harper and Syndergaard were rivals on the same reptilian planet and got bored, so they came here to bless us with years of NL East rivalry.

3. Kyrie Irving’s crossover

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Kyrie Irving and Pablo Prigioni walk into a bar. Wanting to show Prigioni some American hospitality, Kyrie splurges and buys him a few drinks. Before Prigioni knows it, he’s drunker than a freshman during Welcome Week. This wasn’t a setup for a bar joke punchline, this was actually just the prelude of what happened before this play. The spins aren’t fun, Pablo, but it’ll be okay. Let it out.

4. Mike Breen’s “bang” call


Breen is unrivaled as the best in the booth. You wouldn’t want anyone else calling the biggest games of the NBA season. Actually, you wouldn’t want anyone else announcing the biggest moments of your life.

The Ordained Minister: “You may now kiss the bride.”

Breen: “Bang!”

You wake up late, just make it to class, get a final essay back, and see that you got an A. Breen: “Bang! So clutch in tense moments.”

You drop your totally real ID on the way to a bar while you’re on a date with this great person you just met. You get to the bar, they smile and don’t card you. Breen: “Bang! Bang! Oh what a dodge from this kid!”

5. The O.C. opening credits


This has nothing to do with sports, but it is the greatest opening sequence in a show ever. As if there wasn’t enough reason to keep watching episode after episode — bad acting, overly dramatic soap opera writing, vapid rich kid plot line — the intro really seals the deal. If you haven’t watched this show in your life, carve out time for the 92 episodes right this instant. Seriously, stop reading this and watch. Why are you reading this anyway?

Here’s to hoping everyone discovers the Steph Curry Plane of Stupidity for themselves.

Email Bobby Wagner at [email protected]

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