NBA All-Star Weekend is finally here. Now that I can relax and watch meaningless basketball — and breathe easy knowing that Kevin Love’s shoulder injury was just a contusion — I’m feeling creative. And when I’m feeling creative, I get inspired by things like this video:
— Vine (@vine) February 10, 2016
It’s time for a thought experiment: What if, instead of a one-time vote at the end of the season, the NBA MVP race was decided like the Democratic Iowa Caucus? Instead of counties in Iowa, NBA balloters went city to city and held a full-fledged battle royale of fans of each respective player — except Toronto, because we can’t very well have Canada in our American process, can we? Just kidding Toronto, you gave us Drake. We’re cool.
Imagine what great television this would make, and imagine how mad old-school sports reporters like Mike Golic and Mike Wilbon would get.
“They’re standing in Steph Curry’s corner because they saw a cute video of his daughter!”
“These millennials! They just went immediately to Klay Thompson and Andrew Wiggins’ corners because they put pictures of their girlfriends on the Twitter!”
Fear not, members of the Old School, I’m leaving the writers with the final say, making them the metaphorical delegates in case every city does the trolling gods proud and nominates Matt Bonner.
Here’s a timeline of how it might turn out in Madison Square Garden if we took this format this year:
7 p.m. — Fans start rolling in, faces painted, jerseys of their favorite players on. They become little kids on Christmas as they’re led onto center court. Once on the logo, they notice signs in various places on the court to denominate support for each player — Curry, James, Durant, Leonard, Green and Westbrook.
8 p.m. — The first speaker, James’ high school teammate Dru Joyce III, comes out on stage as MSG turns the scorers’ table into a full bar. Joyce gives a tear-inducing speech about LeBron’s character, grit and meaning to Northeast Ohio. Having had a little alcohol in them, a Draymond Green supporter stands up and imitates Green’s Championship Parade harangue of the Cavaliers.
8:15 p.m. — Kevin Durant’s mom comes out on stage to give the converse of his MVP speech from two years ago. It turns out KD is the real MVP. If he wins, maybe he’ll have the opportunity to pass the torch back to Mama Durant.
8:30 p.m. — Kevin Durant comes out on stage, but not to talk about himself. He gives the speech for Westbrook and calls him his brother approximately 14 times. He ends with an ambiguous line that makes you question whether they still like each other, something like, “The years we’ve spent together have pushed us both as people, and I’ve learned a lot about myself as a man. I’m looking forward to what’s next — for both of us.”
8:45 p.m. — Some random dude comes on stage and says, “Kawhi Leonard for MVP,” and walks off without saying anything else. “It’s what he would have wanted, they don’t understand him anyway,” his supporters murmur, too quiet for anyone else to hear, Neutral Milk Hotel shirts under their Leonard jerseys.
9 p.m. — Tom Izzo comes on stage to support former Michigan State star Draymond Green’s push for the award. He gives a five minute long speech and loses his voice at the end. As he’s finishing, hip-hop air horns begin to go off through the PA system and confetti falls from the ceiling. A rave ensues. Leonard supporters are horrified.
9:15 p.m. — Riley Curry waddles her way on stage. An unknown MSG security official lifts her up so that she’s sitting cross-legged on the podium. She doesn’t say anything about basketball, but the crowd is so infatuated with her that they don’t notice Steph and President Obama having a halfcourt shootout behind them. I’m jealous of this man’s life, if you couldn’t tell.
12 a.m. — All voting is recorded. Final Results:
Final delegate voting results, from the sports writers:
James: 41 votes
Curry: 23 votes
Durant: 15 votes
Westbrook: 12 votes
Green: 6 votes
Leonard: 3 votes
All hail unbiased journalism. Enjoy the All-Star break, ballers.
The ideas expressed on this page are the opinions of the author and are not meant to be taken as an endorsement from WSN.
Email Bobby Wagner at [email protected]