‘Local’ tipster tells all about Coles renovation

The plans for NYU’s new sports facility were revealed on Tuesday by a source who, for the sake of anonymity, wished to be referred to solely as Shallow Throat.

The Coles Sports Center, which previously did not have an official demolition date, is being destroyed at this very moment, said Mr. Throat, who has previously provided reputable information to the National Enquirer and NYU Local.

While the information is not yet available anywhere else, Mr. Throat told WSN through a series of cryptic communiques that the new building will be named the John Sexton Pre-Memorial Center for Sports and Recreation and Housing. Construction of the new building, which will replace Coles, is part of NYU 2031, the $6 trillion expansion plan, and being paid for entirely in “Sexton fun-bucks.”

Features of the new building include student housing, revamped sports facilities, a room to house the stress-relief puppies and an empty room without much purpose, which will be built on top of registered parkland.

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LS sophomore Nancy Ellington said she is looking forward to some of the changes.

“I think it is good that there will be more dorms, but I think the spiral staircase that leads to nowhere could just be a waste of space,” Ellington said.

Further details about the new sports amenities were found in a draft of an email that was allegedly to be sent to the NYU community. These include a regulation-size football field and a permanent bouncy house for basketball players to practice in. The email’s subject line was “Placeholder.”

“Don’t send this email, this email is not meant to be sent, none of the information in this email is factual,” the email reads.

Stern sophomore Andrea Carlisle, a member of the Violets’ softball team, said she did not quite understand the choices for the new building.

“While I appreciate that NYU is attempting to improve the facilities for athletes, none of these sound like they would be applicable to actual sports,” Carlisle said. “Are you sure any of this is correct?”

Mr. Throat dismissed these doubts as unfounded.

“Of course it’s true,” Mr. Throat said. “I may have been arrested for selling snake oil back in ’05, but we both know that was just because the Tuscaloosa county sheriff’s office had it in for me.”

Mr. Throat told WSN that while the Coles site is under construction, an interim site will be located in Bobst Library’s lobby.

As of press time, NYU administrators have not responded to a subtweet seeking comment.

A version of this article appeared in the Wednesday, April 1 print edition. Email Hovels Damnit at [email protected]

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