Sexton to students: ‘Call me Master’

Graphic by Tinkerbell
Graphic by Tinkerbell

In a ceremony filled with great pomp, CAS freshman Adam DeLorenzo swore an oath of fealty to NYU President John Sexton, forever establishing DeLorenzo as a minor vassal of the university.

“Well, we understand that students often take on a great deal of financial burden by attending our fine institution, so we really felt like we should do them a favor by tying their fortunes to our own,” Sexton said as he drank mead from the skull of a vanquished enemy.

Sexton said ceremonies like DeLorenzo’s are the next step in the university’s plans to dominate New York City.

“Our hope is that we can start incorporating all of our students in similar blood-binding ceremonies,” Sexton said while smearing warpaint on his face. “That way, we’ll have the manpower needed to win the coming battles.”

Initially, DeLorenzo said he had his doubts. But, after coaxing from a combination of Sexton’s signature charm and ruthless intimidation, DeLorenzo said he is now committed to his master’s vision of a tri-state area completely dominated by NYU’s lordship.

“Before coming to NYU, I wanted to be a doctor, but now I guess I’ll be serving my lord — glory and power to him — as a tenant farmer and occasional retainer,” DeLorenzo said. “It feels really good to be a part of the forward-thinking organization responsible for the Abu Dhabi and Shanghai campuses, the NYU 2031 Plan and the crop-rotation scheme that we’re implementing in the coming months.”

When asked about the possibility that some students might not want to promise their undying loyalty in this life and the next or even share his visions of global conquest, Sexton seemed unshaken.

“What these kids need is direction and purpose,” Sexton said, brandishing his war axe, which he calls Todesbringer or “Death Bringer.” “And that’s what we’re going to give them — by force, if necessary.”

Following the ceremony, reporters from the Washington Square News tried to reach DeLorenzo for further comment, but were told by NYU Spokesperson Balder Engström that he would be busy tilling a turnip field under the watchful eye of his master for the rest of his life.

A version of this article appeared in the Tuesday, April 1 print edition. Shere Khan is an intelligent Bengal tiger who hates humans and wants to kill Mowgli. Email him at [email protected]



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