Student sent home for NSA costume
Randolph Clayton, a six-year-old living in Brooklyn, was sent home by elementary school administrators for wearing a halloween costume that the school claimed was “too scary.”
Clayton entered the elementary school, Brooklyn Ordained Only, dressed as the NSA.
Fellow pupils stated that they found this unnerving and provoked considerable distress in the faculty.
“I was talking to my friend Sarah, and I suddenly thought, [Clayton is] probably listening to our conversation right now,” said Tina Fay, a fellow student in Clayton’s class.
President Barack Obama has denied any knowledge of the costume.
“Monster Mash” found to induce insanity after 9000 repetitions
In a stunning and already-controversial study, researchers at the government’s Fright Investigation and Experimental Nightmare Department — commonly referred to as FIEND — discovered that hearing the popular 1962 Halloween hit “Monster Mash” could induce insanity after about the 9,000th repetition.
“That may not seem significant at first,” said lead researcher Francis Stein. “But when you take into account the cumulative effect of repeated exposure over a lifetime, well, it explains a lot.”
These findings have triggered the largest public outcry in popular music since it was alleged that it was possible to hear satanic messages in heavy metal songs if you played them backwards while a close friend repeatedly shouted “Satan is king” in your face.
Ugly nurse, cheerleader costumes
Look out, New York, ugly is the new sexy.
Following the long-lived success of such costumes as sexy pirate, sexy SWAT officer and sexy ninja, a new trend is sweeping the city’s costume stores. Costumes such as ugly nurse, ugly cheerleader and ugly schoolgirl have sold out at many local Halloween shops.
“All this time, we thought that sexy was the selling point of our costume line,” said costume manufacturer Keith Busch. “As it turns out, it was the extreme incongruity.”
Busch added that by next year, his company would be adding ugly mermaid and ugly Playboy Bunny to their regular catalog.
This story is part of our fictitious coverage in celebration of Halloween 2013. All people and events in the story are fictional.
A version of this article appeared in the Thursday, Oct. 31 print edition. Hannibal Lecter likes fava beans and a nice chianti. Email him at [email protected]