New York University's independent student newspaper, established in 1973.

Washington Square News

New York University's independent student newspaper, established in 1973.

Washington Square News

New York University's independent student newspaper, established in 1973.

Washington Square News

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Stern to secede from NYU, professors unite accounting prowess

Courtesy of NYU

 

After approximately 10 minutes of heated debate between faculty members, the Stern School of Business has decided to secede from NYU in a manner similar to the secession of the Wharton School of Business from the University of Pennsylvania.

“Originally, it was just going to be a vote of no confidence for NYU President John Sexton,” said Stern board member Chase Sachs. “But then right as we were about to vote, I just went right out and said, ‘Ok, is there anyone here who actually wants to do this?’ I heard groans from the board. Then I said, ‘Let’s not waste anyone’s time then, who wants to secede?’ and everyone cheered.”

The secession is effective immediately. Stern professors are encouraging students to turn their accounting skills into powerful weapons for the separation from NYU.

Sexton was alerted to the decision after a mysterious package was delivered to his home. Enclosed in the stiff manila folder was a USB drive containing a detailed Powerpoint presentation about NYU’s projected revenue in the coming decade once the secession is complete.

“We decided to go all out in making it a truly threatening PowerPoint,” said Morgan Lynch, professor of finance at Stern. “For our final graph, we made the projected revenue axis red, and the time axis a bold jet black. It sends a message.”

The biggest difficulty so far, according to a survey of professors, has been convincing the Stern undergraduate population to actually cooperate with each other.

“With the Stern curve driving so many of them to fight tooth and nail against each other, it’s really a new concept for them to work together for the first time,” said Stanley Goldman, assistant professor of marketing.

Without any of the creative minds in the Tisch School of the Arts to assist them, the best slogan Stern have come up with so far is “We mean business,” which beat the second-place choice, “We are very Stern about leaving this institution.”

Despite these difficulties, members of the Stern community remain confident about the secession, stating that whatever happens over the next few months, they can probably afford it.

“I’m really glad this is finally happening,” said Stern senior Alex Jones. “I’d always had this feeling that we were just better than everyone else, so it’s nice to see it finally turn into a reality.”

A version of this article appeared in the Monday, April 1 print edition. Troy Barnes is a former football star and current Trobed member. Email him at [email protected].

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  • P

    PeeyushApr 1, 2013 at 1:28 pm

    Oh no,

    This is crazy.

    What will happen now?

    Reply
  • F

    Freshman SternieApr 1, 2013 at 12:49 pm

    “We Mean Business”
    ^ wait, I love that. Can that be the new Stern motto?

    Reply