These post-election staff rants are guaranteed to make you laugh, cry and shove all of the kale in your house into the garbage.

On people named Donald:

Politics not aside, I think the name Donald is really gross. I know that is so petty, but that is also my truth. I am disappointed that in the coming years there could be a resurgence in this dumb, ugly name out of admiration for our new dumb, ugly President-elect. What if there are tons of little babies crawling around the country with the name “Donald” on their little name tags and crib mobiles? I feel so sorry for these children. My own dad’s name is Donald, but even he knows that being named “Donald” is so bad that he has legally changed his name. If your name is Donald and you aren’t a racist — I am so sorry you have to endure this and I hope life stays good for you. To everyone else, and to the future parents of America, for the sake of this country, do not name your kid Donald. —Zoe Hall, Copy Chief

On the electoral college:

This past week, I’ve been pretty angry about the results of the 2016 presidential election. At the moment, my anger is directed toward the American Electoral College. The Electoral College was the thing we all learned about in middle school and kind of didn’t understand, because it didn’t really make sense as to why we would vote for electors and not just vote for the president.

Five times in history has the Electoral College gone against the popular vote. Before the events of last week, the most recent example was when Al Gore won the popular vote in the 2000 election, but George W. Bush ascended to the presidency. Now, in 2016, Hillary Rodham Clinton is on track to win more votes than any presidential candidate in history besides Barack Obama — but because she lost the Electoral College, a race-baiting fascist with a history of sexual assault will move into the White House in two months.

The idea that a vote may or may not be influential depending on the voter’s zipcode is infuriating to me. The fact that I had to send my absentee ballot to Ohio, rather than registering to vote here in a trusty blue state, is a travesty of American politics. Why should an Ohioan’s vote count more than a New Yorker’s? Why should voters in swing states decide the future of the whole country? The argument I’ve heard as of late is that we have the Electoral College so that big cities can’t decide elections for the rest of America. But how is that any different from what we have now, where Michigan, Wisconsin, Florida and North Carolina get to choose the president? As a country, we cannot continue to call ourselves a democracy while refusing to follow the results of the popular vote. One person, one vote is how our country should be run. —Jordan Reynolds, Entertainment Editor

On superfood culture:

There is no such thing as a superfood. Superfood is a made-up marketing term to get white people to buy things. Am I saying I don’t eat quinoa? Absolutely not; I stuff quinoa into my risotto like there’s no tomorrow. I put kale on everything. Chia seeds are often in my rice pudding, too. But superfood as a concept is a lie and a hyperbole and a fiction. Other words we need to stop using in relation to food: ancient, exotic and discovered. All of these words just serve to marginalize traditions that aren’t based off of white Americana and aim to take credit for the simple notion of putting acai in a bowl. White people didn’t do it first, y’all. White people have never done it first. —Hailey Nuthals, Arts Editor

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