As the rising 16th president of NYU, Andrew Hamilton is poised to inherit not only a university, but also a legacy. NYU President John Sexton, in planting the seeds from which the Global Network University would eventually grow, brought unto our humble institution glory the likes of which no university on this continent has yet seen.

It is fitting, then, that such extracontinental influence would require an extracontinental president, one who can cultivate the branches of our university to reach out, to span the seas and bring unto our homeland exotic students, wild tales and, of course, fabulous riches.

Hamilton’s vision includes the introduction of a Division I cricket team, subduing Canada and a new global centre in Bombay, India. Rumours have circulated that the future president has already formed an exploratory committee inside the country, the East India Academics Company. Changes are also on the horizon for the Washington Square campus. In an effort to incorporate the New York site into his empire, Hamilton has announced new names for many NYU institutions and buildings. The Silver Center for Arts & Science is set to become the Silver Centre of Science, while the Stern School of Business will become the Margaret Thatcher School of the London School of Economics.

Stoking the fires of speculation and anticipation was Hamilton’s appointment of Rudyard Kipling’s corpse as the new president of international outreach. In a press release, Kipling expressed his pleasure with NYU’s past actions, particularly her defence of the 2031 expansion and her smashing of community dissent.

“It was a bit like crushing those rowdy Irishmen,” Kipling said, referring to the British suppression of the Irish Republican Army in 1921. “Just give those lads a little rap on the knuckles, a reminder of who the real masters are, and it’ll set them straight. Really, we were doing them a favour.”

Hope remains high among the advisory board that university morale will rise as a result of these new developments, thereby rousing the passion of the masses and letting them forget the crushing burden of their student debt.

“It’s about going out there and bringing home the glory, doing the king, I mean president,  proud and experiencing that heartfelt connexion with the school, that’s what’ll matter to them,” Kipling said. “When we return bearing those glorious tonnes of gold and silver, when they sip from our wonderful new bounty of Argo Tea, they’ll remember what we’re really fighting for.”

With her global reach and an army of investors at her disposal, NYU is uniquely prepared to bring enlightenment to the dimmest reaches of the earth. Where our rivals flounder when managing within their borders, NYU will bring even the remotest savage regions under her dominion. When we have illuminated even the furthest reaches of the globe, when we have brought unto them a well-rounded liberal arts education as Prometheus brought the flame unto man, her torch will shine over all nations. With the advent of the reign of Hamilton, the sun shall never set over the global network.

A version of this article appeared in the Wednesday, April 1 print edition. Email them at [email protected].