It is time for American pharmaceutical companies to take the birth control debate into their own hands. By only providing birth control pills lacking hormones, these companies could satisfy the religious minority that is calmly speaking out against birth control use while fooling the immoral masses into producing children. Because misuse of birth control pills can result in pregnancy, companies can simply blame the women using these satanical drugs instead of admitting the drugs have been made ineffective. It is the perfect plan to end the pesky debate over contraception for women.

Only 51 percent of pregnancies in this country are unintended. This is the most developed nation in the world, shouldn’t we be at 100 percent by now? We are still leading in unintended pregnancies against our European rivals, but have fallen behind Asian countries — which include our arch enemies Russia and China. Our population cannot be allowed to fall even further behind China’s. Increasing pregnancies among unsuspecting women is the fastest way to prevent China from overtaking the United States as a superpower.

Considering the rate of unintended pregnancy among poor women is five times higher than those in the highest income bracket, the quickest way to close the gap is to target those at the top. We should focus our resources on making faulty contraception more available to the richest women through doctor visits. Because four out of five sexually experienced women have used the pill at some point in their life, this is clearly the contraceptive method to target. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists has said that hormonal birth control pills could be sold over the counter. Of course, we must reject this conclusion. By keeping placebo pills in doctors’ hands, we ensure that more women will want them due to their exclusivity.

Any woman expecting functioning birth control in this day and age has lost sight of the American way. The Affordable Care Act mandated that several types of contraception be available without a co-pay, or for free to those paying for insurance. In this capitalist society, it is foolish to expect that a free product has any true benefit. There is no such thing as a free lunch, and women cannot expect the insurance they pay for to provide working medication free of charge.

Drug companies have to keep providing some form of the pill in order to keep up appearances, but clearly making these drugs placebos would have enormous benefits.  Not only will doctors and insurance companies be able to keep the profits that come from requiring an annual exam to refill a birth control pill prescription, but there would also be no reason for religious companies to object to providing their employees with fake birth control methods.

A version of this article appeared in the Tuesday, April 1 print edition. Meg is a moody 20something with awesome hair. Scientific Satire (it’s not Bill Nye, but we’ll give it a try!) is published every Tuesday. Email her at [email protected].