NYU is a great school. The opportunities it affords its students make the $60,000 we spend on tuition and housing yearly almost bearable. We are fortunate to live in such an expansive city, but there are a few things NYU could improve upon. Presented below, in no particular order, is a list of grievances, composed with the utmost respect for the school’s administration.

Why is the fountain in Washington Square Park so big? Who is the park catering to? Giants or something? How are we supposed to drink out of it with our human-sized mouths? This is an easy fix: make it smaller like the rest of the fountains around the park.

Hayden cookies taste weird.

Gallatin’s courses are too restrictive. How can anyone succeed in life with such structure?

Considering the amount of work he puts toward the betterment of this university, NYU President John Sexton does not make enough money. We should be funnelling our tuition directly to Sexton instead of wasting it on meaningless things like books, computers and professors.

Why don’t we get HBO?

Why was Bobst Library designed with so many architectural flourishes? Students are always late to class because they have to stop and admire its brilliance. It’s distracting. Excuses like “I’m late because I was looking at Bobst’s exterior design” or “It’s too provocative and exciting” are clichés.

Albert is a great class registration program. No complaints there.

Our football team needs to step it up. When was the last time we even won a game?

Why only two semesters of Writing the Essay for the Tisch School of the Arts? How are we artists expected to learn to write all of the essays assigned after college? Right after graduation, when we are employed full time with zero student debt, what are we supposed to tell our employers? “Oh, sorry, I can’t give you six to eight pages on the complexities and relationships between a work of public art and the neighborhood in which it is housed because I only practiced writing essays for one year in college and also many years before that in high school and middle school.” What fools we will sound like.

The Washington Square News gets picked up so quickly in the morning that we are never able to grab a copy before the paper’s devoted readers snatch them up.

While we recognize that these grievances are not easily rectified, we think that addressing them will dramatically improve the student experience at NYU. Maybe then, College Confidential user xxswagstar69hue will stop claiming that NYU is “4 loosers.”

Hercules is a hero. Pegasus is his flying horse. Herculean Hero is published every Tuesday. Email them at [email protected].