While conducting a student poll about this year’s March Madness basketball tournament, WSN learned that no one on the NYU campus even knows what basketball is.
“Wait, what?” said many a disinterested student when asked about the annual tournament.
WSN asked about specific details concerning this year’s March Madness, such as Florida Gulf Coast University’s miracle run to the Sweet 16.
“Florida Gulf Coast? Yeah I’ve heard of them,” said Tisch sophomore Hannah Horvath. “They’re an awesome band. I think they just got Best New Music on Pitchfork.”
“Actually, they got a 7.9,” said Hipster McBrooklyn, a Tisch junior. “You need at least an 8.0 to get a BNM.”
“Yeah, well, I think they’re pretty good,” said Horvath, while McBrooklyn muttered words like “whatever” and “overrated” under her breath.
Even students at Coles Sports Center had not heard of the tournament. WSN went to Coles and interviewed a group of undergrads who were sitting in a circle while drinking beer and trying to play Vampire Weekend songs on an acoustic guitar.
When asked about March Madness, nobody in the group had any answers.
“Yeah, we have no idea what you’re talking about, man,” replied Areal Chilldude, a Gallatin senior.
When asked about the baskets around the court, Chilldude said they were for “PBR Ball.”
“Yeah, it’s this game where we throw our empty PBR [Pabst Blue Ribbon] cans into the basket,” he said, pointing to the large pile of beer cans underneath one of the baskets. “It’s pretty chill, man, we don’t get too competitive. The loser just has to go out and buy more cheap beer.”
WSN passed around a March Madness bracket to see if any of the students recognized it.
“Oh, I’ve seen this before,” Chilldude said. “Except the one I saw determined the best Nickelodeon cartoon from the ‘90s. Man, the ’90s were awesome.”
WSN finally went to speak with the NYU men’s and women’s college basketball teams. Surprisingly, they did not know about basketball, either — or about sports in general.
“This is just a thing I do so they’ll pay part of my tuition,” said Violets point guard Player Number One.
When asked about how he could be a part of the basketball team while knowing nothing about basketball, One just shrugged his shoulders.
“I mean, I know about sports as a ‘concept,’” he said while making air quotes.
“Really, I’m just trying to save money so I can get a subscription to HBO Go,” One admitted. “My roommate won’t let me use his password anymore.”
A version of this article appeared in the Monday, April 1 print edition. Casey McCall is a sportscaster on “Sports Night.” Email him at [email protected].