NYU Local, America’s most trusted news source after the New York Post, recently reported a story that shocked many students and the WSN Editorial Board. The article revealed that Jonathon Dornbush, the editor-in-chief of WSN, has been receiving exorbitant perks while in power, including but not limited to a 1991 Super Nintendo, a semi-comfortable taupe cot that he sometimes sleeps on and unlimited access to the notorious sweatshop otherwise known as NYU Phonathon, which is located on the same floor as the WSN office.

In response to the growing uproar and other significant injustices committed by our formerly esteemed leader, the WSN Editorial Board has cast a unanimous vote of no confidence against Dornbush.

This is our extensive, though incomplete, list of grievances against Dornbush:

1.) Suspicions have grown over his constant presence at the WSN office. He is reportedly always at his desk and on the computer. On multiple occasions, WSN staffers have seen Dornbush at the office at four or five in the morning, with his trusty sidekick and managing editor Amy Zhang. So far, the staff has not thought of any plausible reason for why he is always at WSN headquarters so late.

2.) Dornbush claims he never has time to hang out, but he is always at the office. Obviously he is available to hang out on many days and nights.

3.) Furthermore, Dornbush’s name is spelled incorrectly — it is supposed to be Jonathan with an “a,” not Jonathon with an “o” — and he never lets us call him Jon. The WSN Editorial Board suspects that the misspelling and insistence on the use of his full name indicate that it may be an alias.

4.) He allows dogs in the office, irritating anyone who hates cute, puffy Pomeranians.

5.) Sometimes he does this high-pitched voice effect that sounds like Jigglypuff from Pokémon.

6.) Dornbush refuses to see “Spring Breakers” with us. If he spends so much time in the office doing who-knows-what, he can probably spare two hours to watch some girls from the Disney Channel run around in bikinis. He stooped so low as to make up some excuse that dubstep and strobe lights give him a headache.

Readers might wonder why these concerns took so long to be voiced. It has become obvious that Dornbush’s theatrically professional behavior has been camouflaging his true persona — one of notable sincerity and character. We at the WSN Editorial Board have nothing but disdain for these types of leaders and feel confident that this vote will have as much impact as NYU’s Faculty of Arts and Science vote had — none.

A version of this article appeared in the Monday, April 1 print edition. Email the WSN Editorial Board at [email protected].