It’s Halloween, and that means there’s gonna be candy. You may be too old to trick-or-treat without being judged by others, or internally judging yourself — note the two are not mutually exclusive — but it’s not too late to get some candy. In fact, here’s how you can get all of the candy. All of it.

All. Of. The candy.

1. Go to the local store and buy all of the candy. A Walgreens or Duane Reade will do. This will stop anyone else from buying more candy, which would only complicate things. Approach an employee and kindly but firmly state that you wish to purchase all of the candy. They will offer you a variety pack of multiple fun-sized candy bars, perhaps an extra-large pack. But this is not enough.

2. Acquire a number of different costumes, and some comfortable running shoes. They’re for trick-or-treating, where your goal is to beat kids to the door. Crouch down at the doorstep to appear kid-sized, and inhale copious amounts of helium beforehand to complete the illusion. A good combination of costumes to have is Elvis/Batman/Skeleton for men, and Nurse/Batman/Hillary Clinton for women. Switch between costumes after each successful run, and you’ll be able to approach multiple houses, multiple times until you have all of their candy. The children are of no issue. They have tiny legs and are easily outrun.

3. Call your friends, parents, grandmothers and non-friends. Anyone who may have candy. Tell them that it’s your candy now. Because you’re getting all of the candy. If they live farther away, you should receive it by mail.

4. Start regional candy drives. Set up Candy Drive “Emergen-sweet” stations, and encourage people to donate their candy to people in need. Or to a person in need. Neglect to inform them that it is you who is in need. In need of all the candy.

5. Contact a marketing agency and start a PR campaign. New York City is full of advertising firms and creative marketing corporations that, for the right price, can get your message out to the public. Fortunately, you know your message well. Start an advertising campaign on billboards, subway cars and bus stations advising people to give you all of the candy. You don’t need to give a reason why, just make it flashy and the impressionable masses will inevitably follow.

6. Get appointed to the United Nations. After initial election to the General Assembly, work your way through the Security Council before defeating Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon in the next selection, held every five years. This will give you the necessary connections. Put together a number of shady backroom deals with both superpowers and developing nations so they start passing the proper legislation. They will collectively be known in history as the “You Get All The Candy Acts.”

7. Store all of the candy in your belly. This way, no one will be able to reach it.

8. Now you have not some, but all of the candy.

This story is part of our fictitious coverage in celebration of Halloween 2014. All people and events in the story are fictional.