With the Coles Sports Center scheduled to close at the end of the Spring 2015 semester, its long-term residents are supernaturally upset. These spooky souls, who have haunted the same basement location since the gym opened in September 1981, planned on moving into the new residence at 404 Lafayette Street. However, after an NYU-sponsored tour, the ghosts are less than pleased with the new space. In response to this ghoulish turmoil, an NYU spokesman said, “We offered this tour to the Departed Alumni Association in the hopes of comforting these lost souls. Instead of showing their appreciation, they only scared the Admissions Ambassador who volunteered.” This destruction of the ghouls’ home is unacceptable, and must be stopped. The 2031 expansion plans have been met with many protests over the past years, but the administration must now contend with apparitional forces.

Opponents of the ghost eviction have complained that the new facility is insufficient to effectively frighten gym dwellers. In a seance with WSN, it was revealed that the ghosts are planning a protest to convey their dissatisfaction. Albert Gallatin, who currently haunts the natatorium but also served as president of NYU during his lifetime, said the possibility of the Coles ghosts being evicted was reprehensible. “Times have certainly changed since 1831 when I founded NYU. Call me old-fashioned, but the 19th century administration officials knew how to properly allocate real estate under my watch — but in fairness to NYU President John Sexton, I was Secretary of the Treasury,” Gallatin said. Gallatin continued, saying he would greatly miss haunting Coles, which covers 142,000 square feet and has five floors. He believes the dance studio, squash courts and recreational pool were optimal for bewitching-hour spooking. Another disgruntled ghost, who was reached by ouija board, was so upset he could only say, “Boo.”

Although Gallatin is arguably the most prominent of departed figures, many of these ghosts are former students who are still in debt to the university. These debt-ridden students had made peace with their Coles location and were almost starting to feel like the administration cared about them. They are steadfast in the belief that NYU has betrayed them in both life and in death. This entire situation is an utterly disgraceful reminder of the current administration’s inability to manage real estate as Gallatin referenced. Evicting NYU’s residents is an outrage, especially considering the administration’s housing policy, which has older students get the last pick. The ghouls are not likely to get their first room preferences once the mixed-use highrise being built in place of Coles is completed. NYU administration officials have shown that they are unwilling to address the needs of the departed. The ghosts of Coles deserve better.

This story is part of our fictitious coverage in celebration of Halloween 2014. All people and events in the story are fictional.