Off-Third is WSN’s satire column.

According to the Environmental Protection Agency, more than 14,000 Americans have died directly from heat-related causes since 1979. Since the majority of the soldiers on the perilous frontlines of American democracy at WSN are, themselves, Americans, they stand an outsized chance of adding to America’s heat-related death count. Thanks to the Third Avenue North dungeon’s horrendously defective air conditioning system, where our office resides, we stand at a flashpoint of truth and justice. 

President Linda Mills has, for multiple days now, purposefully violated Article 25 of the Third Geneva Convention by subjecting student journalists to excessive heat in the Third North basement. It’s abhorrent and shocking that this issue of free speech — a pillar of civil rights — has gone unchecked and been swept under the rug. Sources at the office have speculated as to what may be delaying the response, but the consensus among them is firm: NYU hates us and is trying to systematically shut down all student press, starting with us. 

This Tuesday, a trusted and trustworthy anonymous source — who requested I not mention that he’s a deputy editor for the sports desk — informed me that NYU’s building services would check on the cooling issue. Yet when I got here today, the telltale prickle of sweat on my body made me realize he was deliberately lying to me. When the heat of the Third North basement began to envelop me like a microwaved chalupa, betrayed by my administration, it dawned on me that I had truly come to understand the meaning of the term “mendacious.” 

“The behavior described … is shocking and disgraceful,” NYU spokesperson John Beckman said in response to an unrelated story from 2022, regarding an NYU security guard who masturbated in front of his co-worker. Regardless, his ten words speak volumes. Other officials, whom I refuse to name out of concern for their safety, said the university’s actions might even warrant a never-before-seen “F minus minus” Foundation for Individual Rights and Expression score, a score that would hypothetically be unprecedented.

Upon further analytical reinspection, esteemed WSN journalists realized that the air conditioning in the basement was accidentally set to the heated fan mode by an unknowing staff writer — or perhaps a knowing saboteur, hailing from the deputy class at the sports desk — but even still, the fiery tribulations these essential frontline workers underwent were a travesty of fascist proportions. It is with a heavy heart, irregular pulse and hearing disembodied voices that I realize the heat may be clouding not just my judgment, but also the clarity of the opinion articles I am indebted to write. But I will not be swayed from my holy mission.

NYU needs to address this brutal injustice of an unjust scale in speedy fashion, or risk continuing its mendaciously callous behavior. It also needs to install vending machines in the Third North basement, but with a sign that says, “Only for WSN’s esteemed journalistic paragons of virtue who work day and night to deliver the truth. And Richie, because Richie is cool.” (Richie being the coolest guy and the one person actually making sure the place isn’t a pigstye, obviously.) Also, the sign needs to be slate gray lettering on a vaguely translucent, seafoam acrylic sign — not a paper sign, since an issue of this magnitude should warrant something more extravagant than a paper sign, though it could be okay as a sort of transitional sign until we get a sign that everybody feels like is a good sign. Make the font Andalusian Braille, too. NYU — or someone who just knows when the job is complete — should promptly send in a letter to the editor when the deed is done. A letter of great apology. For a great crime.

According to the monopolist global conglomerate The Sign Factory, “some of the most famous signs in the world include the Hollywood sign in Los Angeles, the Las Vegas Welcome sign, and the Abbey Road street sign in London.” Very soon, the Washington Square News’ sign in New York City’s basement will join this prestigious list.

By making this sign, NYU can put itself on the map as an avenging angel of free speech, free expression and being allowed to say what you think — all completely different concepts, obviously.

Tensions at NYU and Third North have reached a boiling point. Sure, it’s easy enough to just turn down the thermostat. But there’s a greater sense of hostility bubbling under the surface of Third North that will be unleashed if NYU doesn’t change its tune about free speech and its intrinsic connection to air conditioning. Now, more than ever, it is vitally important for NYU to discuss the importance of air conditioning, and keeping its students in a temperate — if slightly chilly — environment, to finally curb its mendacious and dishonest agenda. Only by doing this can the university ensure its commitment to free political expression and journalistic refrigeration refurbishment.

WSN’s Opinion desk strives to publish ideas worth discussing. The views presented in the Opinion desk are solely the views of the writer.