Off-Third is WSN’s satire column.

Let me be the first to address the elephant in the room — everyone who attends NYU was rejected from Columbia. It’s the one characteristic we all have in common. But that doesn’t mean we Violets aren’t special. I mean, we go to the same university that Woody Allen went to. And… well… he’s Woody Allen.  

Unlike NYU, Columbia is a D1 school that has a lot of sports diversity within its student body. The NYU athletes are truly the minority, and it pains me to see them so upset when no one at Palladium can serve over the net in club volleyball. Instead, we have the Tisch kids, who are the majority. Everyone that goes here is a talented actor or singer, or they’re just casually associated with European royalty. 

Another reason that Columbia is just so much better is the fact that they actually have a campus, and not some pretentious motto like “The city is our campus!” With Columbia, you get the best of both worlds. Large, old academic buildings that don’t look like a prison — cough cough, Bobst Library — and green grass larger than Washington Square Park that doesn’t smell like the devil’s lettuce. 

Columbia only selects perfect students, and sadly, we NYU kids are far from that. Did you see how high the acceptance rate for the NYU Class of 2026 was? 12%! Columbia, on the other hand, only accepted less than 4% of its applicants, which just proves how they value the best of the best. 

It would be rude of me to not praise NYU for a bit. We are D3 in almost every sport we have here, such as soccer and volleyball. But we can’t forget about the one sport for which we are D1 — fencing! What is more honorable and attractive than fencing? Instead of going to tailgates or football games, us Violets can show our pride by going to fencing matches.

Sometimes, when I’m staring out my tiny dorm room window looking at the busy streets of Greenwich Village, I wonder what it must be like to walk the same yards and halls as Jake Gyllenhaal once did. And I envy all the Columbia kids that get to go to frat parties that aren’t in cramped dorm rooms or overly expensive apartments. The people up north who live in their little gated community? Those are the real New Yorkers. They are the true epitome of the best students in the country.

WSN’s Opinion section strives to publish ideas worth discussing. The views presented in the Opinion section are solely the views of the writer.

Contact Pritheva Zakaria at [email protected].