Off-Third is WSN’s satire column.
In a startling announcement, NYU President Linda Mills will star in a new biographical musical titled “Linda! The Untold Story of NYU’s Diva,” hitting the Broadway stage on April 27. The news explains Mills’ absence toward university events, as the triple threat is credited as the writer of the show’s book, music and lyrics, as well as its director.
“It’s an honor to prove my artistic merits as a writer and performer in the best place in the world: Broadway,” Mills said. “I love musicals so much, the ‘G’ in my name actually stands for Galinda. Linda Galinda Mills. As the star, writer and director, I hope I win all the Tonys I’m eligible for. I think there are eight.”
A press release revealed the musical’s first act will be a flashback, following the up-and-coming go-getter before she became NYU’s 17th president. It shines a light on her various other side quests, such as premiering a documentary at the Tribeca Film Festival. The second act will depict a hectic day in Mills’ life as president as she tries her best to keep her head up, dodge the spotlight and “block out the haters.”
Tickets to “Linda! The Untold Story of NYU’s Diva” currently start at $1099, and go up to $1599, continuing a recent trend on Broadway of celebrity-driven shows with record-breaking ticket prices. The show will not offer any rush or lottery tickets. When asked about theater accessibility, the producers stated their “hatred of the proletariat.”
A $2,099 “Be the President for a Day” add-on lets one lucky ticket holder live out their administrative fantasies in Bobst’s 12th floor office. The winner would be the first to successfully get a glimpse into what the president does up there. When asked what she would do on the day when the winner assumed her position, Mills simply smirked.
The musical’s cast includes Gal Gadot, playing Elizabeth Rand, the founder of Mothers Against College Antisemitism, here imagined as Mills’ spunky and sassy best friend. Nick Jonas will be playing a Jewish role again as a fictional character written for the show. Additionally, an artificial intelligence “Metahuman Digital Likeness” of Mills will feature in the show to provide a running narration of the president’s inner thoughts and desires alongside her performance. Some of the songs are “Ode to Institutional Restraint,” — Mills’ 11 o’clock power ballad — and “You Must Engage,” a patter song where Mills will rap the entire text of the How We Engage toolkit.
In an unorthodox move, the musical is set to include 15-minute stretches where Mills will do nothing except wordlessly stare at the audience. Mills stated her intention to mirror the cool, neutral and aloof manner she presents herself in her universitywide emails. During these sequences, interpretive dancers representing petitions will move toward Mills, and the president will push them away before they reach her. Additionally, a voice-over will recite some of Mills’ favorite thoughts-and-prayers phrases, such as “with a heavy heart” and “we are a community.”
Jesse Green, the chief theater critic of The New York Times, has preemptively given the show a Critic’s Pick, despite having not seen it yet.
“Linda Mills is my favorite actor performing today,” Green said in his review. “The only thing that matches this theatrical feat on Broadway was one of my personal favorites, ‘Redwood.’ I loved both shows dearly.”
Green’s rave review did include a single mention of the “slightly-high” ticket prices. Due to this blatant disrespect, the producers of “Linda! The Untold Story of NYU’s Diva” promptly took Green off the press list and banned him from the theater. Mills released a statement, promising to immediately suspend Green from NYU, using the full strength of her disciplinary authority. It is unclear how Mills intends to achieve this, as Green does not attend the university.
An organizer for NYU’s Students for a Democratic Society confirmed they would not protest the event. Requests to identify this student by name were eclipsed by the student’s hysterical laughter upon hearing the news.
“Are you serious?” the student choked out. “No. No, anything we do won’t be as humiliating as whatever Linda does. We couldn’t top this. Just let her cook.”
WSN’s Opinion section strives to publish ideas worth discussing. The views presented in the Opinion section are solely the views of the writer.
Contact Ethan Li at [email protected].
