HUMOR: Park Squirrels Stock Up on Cocaine for the Winter

Ben Eisenberg
A squirrel gets ready to speed up his hibernation.

GREENWICH VILLAGE, NY — With winter approaching, Washington Square Park’s resident squirrels have begun to scavenge for cocaine in preparation for their long and boring hibernation.

“Acorns are too mainstream,” one squirrel, who wished to remain anonymous, said.

“Cocaine makes sleeping for half a year real exciting,” he or she (it was hard to tell) concluded.

When asked why there had been a sudden interest in the hazardous substance, the squirrel explained after snorting two lines: “With enough coke, we can have enough energy for two whole years instead of just one. We’ll still hibernate next year, but trust me, it’ll go waaay faster”

Loose plastic bags found in the nooks and crannies of the many park benches, food trucks and even some playground equipment are the hot spots for the sought-after winter essential.

Mr. McNut, an esteemed and wise Washington Square squirrel, warned users to stop using the drug due to potential health concerns.

“If you’re gonna use cocaine, you’re now running the risk of contracting rabies,” McNut said.  “Rabies kills.”

Be on the lookout for our little friends scrounging for some blow, because they probably won’t be around much longer.

Contact Ben Eisenberg at [email protected]

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