Like it or not — Halloween is coming. The only thing spookier than a three-night Halloweekend bender would have to be picking out the perfect costumes for said occasion.
When it comes to Halloween costumes, some may say you can’t go wrong — but I disagree. For college students, Halloween is our Met Gala: sticky bar floors and dirty frat house carpeting our red carpet, and the goal is to serve innovative, stunning looks with Amazon miniskirts and cheap face paint. Therefore, there is immense room for error. Lucky for you, I am here to help you all avoid catastrophic costuming for this Halloween season.
Male manipulator costumes.
Contrary to Lady Gaga’s new single, the Joker is NOT you, so put down the white face paint. If I see one more man dressed up as the deranged DC character, I am going to personally ensure that all costume stores within a 50-mile radius of NYU stop carrying green hair wax. And don’t even get me started on the Patrick Bateman getup. Why must men always dress up as the clinically insane? What happened to dressing joyfully? Here’s an idea: dress up as something happy, like Wreck-it Ralph or a penguin from the “Madagascar” series. Of course, male manipulator costumes can be reclaimable, but only if non-men wear them. Women put up with so much madness from men, so ladies, feel free to sport Bateman’s blood-splattered coat and axe –– you’ve earned it.
Low-effort costumes.
When people started wearing a solid t-shirt with leggings or a tutu and called it a costume, it signaled the fall of society. Take the “Alvin and the Chipmunks” costume, where people wear a red shirt with leggings and have the nerve to say they are serving Alvin realness. People make fun of furries, but I think we could take a few notes from them on Hallow’s Eve. If you want to dress up as a chipmunk, the recent Lululemon catalog won’t cut it — commit to the bit and put on a tail. Additionally, the comedians who wear shirts saying “This Is My Halloween Costume” do not deserve to celebrate the holiday. Instead of spending $20 on a shirt that tells the entire world you are a loser, take that twenty to the thrift store and put together a real costume.
True-crime costumes.
If you think dressing like Jeffrey Dahmer is even remotely okay, I fear Ryan Murphy may be writing a true-crime story inspired by your life someday. In a world where true crime is sensationalized and takes on a life of its own with social media, it’s hard to remember that there were real victims of these infamous criminals. I cannot believe I need to say this, but dressing up as convicted murderers or sex offenders is not edgy or creative, but sick and twisted. Instead, dress up as white-collar criminals, like our unbothered queen Anna Delvey, or stock exchange flop Bernie Madoff.
Anything culturally offensive.
Let’s put it this way: If you think Justin Trudeau would wear it in 2001, it’s racist. If you have an inkling that your costume could be perceived as problematic, it’s best to leave it at home. Remember, you can always dress up in a way that celebrates your own culture. For example, if you’re Italian, you could dress up as a “Jersey Shore” cast member or your Nonna at Sunday dinner. Personally, I’m reconnecting with my roots: Christian Girl Autumn. If you would like to join me, simply find a pair of generic Uggs, a pumpkin spice latte and a wide-brim hat.
Sexy public servants.
Riddle me this: have you ever gotten a flu shot? You probably should if you’re planning a frat marathon, but that’s beside the point. When you received a flu shot, was the nurse dressed in a tiny skirt and top displaying full cleavage, or shirtless wearing flimsy blue scrubs? No. No, they were not. So, why are we stepping out of our dorm rooms in sexy nurse or hot police officer costumes? I say we bring back realism — if you are going to dress up as a nurse, wear scrubs covered in random people’s bodily fluids. If you plan to dress up as a firefighter, throw out the fishnets and put on a gas mask.
Contact Annie Emans at [email protected].
