THIRD AVENUE NORTH RESIDENCE HALL — After tirelessly searching for his phone for hours on end, Tisch freshman Samuel Stucky finally gave in and ran into the bathroom. Our reporter was on the scene.

After walking into the bathroom, Stucky looked at the toilet the same way he looked at his last midterm: confused, completely clueless and scared sh-tless about the nonsense in front of him. Instinct guided him to pull his pants down and sit, but the frazzled student had no idea what came next.

“Usually I sit here looking at memes until my body tells me I’m done,” Stucky said. “But now I don’t have 9Gag and honestly I’m a little scared. Should I call the Wellness Center?”

Persistent, Stucky yelled for his roommate who brought him natural laxatives to try and stimulate bowel movement. He tried wolfing down fudge brownies, guzzling a whole gallon of prune juice and watching the entire first season of the Big Bang Theory.

On the third day, Stucky was forced to send e-mails informing his professors about his absences, many of whom were sympathetic but skeptical.

“Honestly I’ve been in the same situation and want him to know we’re all rooting for him,” Ranjing Oppo, Stucky’s law professor, commented. “But I have heard lots of crazy excuses from students before, and lots of times they’re full of crap.”

Since word spread, passionate students have formed a non-profit club called “Save Stucky” which raises money for constipated individuals who lack electronic stimulation by selling t-shirts and biodegradable enemas.

Their mission statement is to raise enough money to buy Stucky the new iPhone X to finally free him from his confines, and, from then on, buy phones for all those in third-world countries who face the same problem.

“I just feel bad for all of those less fortunate who don’t know the pleasures of letting your phone do all the work for you,” Henrietta Sanchez, the club’s founder, said

Nonetheless, Stucky was dubious when informed of the fund.

“That’s like two weeks from now,” Stucky said. “I don’t know if I can wait that long. I don’t know if my body can wait that long! How did Elvis do this?” 

Stucky has since gained 185 pounds.

Email Louis Rodriguez at [email protected].