After a grueling and intensive three full semesters here at New York University, I have learned a lot about myself, the world and the group of morons that run it. There used to be, a long time ago, in a university far, far away, where there was more success to be had. Not just success, well yes just success, well no…not just success. I don’t know. All I know is one thing: NYU sports just don’t win anymore.

We need to win. We’re gonna win. We need to make NYU sports great again, and we need to do it our way, and by winning. Do we win? Well no, we lose on the court, we lose on the field, we lose money, we lose, lose, lose. You look at these other schools in New York City  — Columbia, Fordham, St. John’s, you name it — they’ve taken away what used to be ours. Columbia basketball? They won some tournament this season, I think someone told me that on Twitter or something. Anyway, the point is that — and I know the point, only I can know the point — is simple.

People said that we couldn’t do it, but I’m writing here to announce my candidacy for NYU Athletics Director. And I’ve been met with overwhelming support all around. You go to Stern? They love me there. My approval rating is through the roof in Stern. They come up to me on the stairs, with their salmon shorts and their $34.99 Vineyard Vines tight long-sleeve tees, and they say to me, “Fabric, you’re the only one who gets it. We want to get fucked up at noon every Saturday and have the locals of the NYU community hate us even more.” And that’s their right to do that. But if we don’t make NYU sports great again, if we don’t start winning, then their piss-drunk afternoons are going to go to waste. Great people in Stern, they know. You know what they know, they just know it.

Go to Tisch, weird as those druggies are, and you ask them. Even they want to see NYU sports great again. Probably just to get all of us normal people off of their backs. And side note, if I have to go to one more of these — what are they called? Art galas? — I swear to Reagan I’d rather move back in with my third-removed ex-wife. She was better at sports than these losers who have just given up on winning.

And I’ll tell you, it’s sad. But it’s true. It’s true, but it’s sad — I’m telling you. The people in Washington Square Village, they just don’t want us to be great again. So you know what I say? They’re going to build a wall, and they’re going to pay for it. You don’t want Phi Alpha Kappa Omega Delta brother Kale McHale and SLAM co-comrade Mark Karlinson putting aside their political differences to pow-wow and throw up on your lawn after the football game? Build your own damn wall and stay out of the land of the drunk and the home of the hipster. NYU is the East Village now. And I’ll tell you, we’re gonna get it done. The stadiums? The citizens of the East Village are going to build those too. It’ll be like when the UAE bought that entire campus in whatever it’s called in the Middle East. See back then, they used to win.

Say what you want about my campaign, slander me on TV, it’s not going to matter. It’s a revolution. We will make NYU sports great again, and we will win, win, win while we do it. Trum— I mean, Burlington for NYU Athletic Director 2016!

Email Fabric Burlington at [email protected]. This report has been a part of our special April 1 parody coverage. Check back next week when we get back to business.