Are you socially awkward? Have trouble making friends or just approaching people in general? Use this joke guide and marvel at your new, suave self. Pick up a fine guy or gal, break the ice at a party and entertain your friends with these puns, one-liners and wisecracks.

Break the Ice

Q: What’s your major?

Q: Why is the math book sad?

A: Because it has many problems.

Q: If a long dress is eveningwear, what is a suit of armor?

A: Silverware.

Pick-Up Lines

1. I’m writing a term paper on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you?

2. No wonder the sky is grey today — all the blue is in your eyes.

(Hint: Works best on someone with blue eyes.)

3. Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got FINE written all over you.

Riddles

1. Two children are born on the same day from the same mother, but they are not twins. How is that possible?
2. They are triplets.

Q: Throw away the outside and cook the inside, then eat the outside and throw away the inside. What is it?

A: Corn on the cob, because you throw away the husk, cook and eat the kernels and throw away the cob.

Q: What is as light as a feather, but even the world’s strongest man couldn’t hold it for more than a minute?

A: His breath.

Blonde Jokes

Q: Why’d the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?

A: She kept throwing out all the W’s.

Q: Why couldn’t the blonde dial 911?

A: She couldn’t find the eleven.

Q: What do you call a blonde holding a balloon?

A: Siamese twins.

One-Liners

1. You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

2. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

3. Money talks…but all mine ever says is “goodbye.”

Animal Jokes

Q: What do you call a depressed dog?

A: A MelanCollie.

Q: What was the elephant’s favorite sport?

A: Squash.

Q: How come oysters never donate to charity?

A: Because they are shellfish.

For the Political Aficionado

1. A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!” The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

2. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

3. On a scale of North Korea to America, how free are you tonight?

Yo’ Mamma

1. Yo’ mamma so fat, even Dora can’t explore her.

2. Yo’ momma so fat, when she got on the scale it said, “I need your weight, not your phone number.”

3. Yo’ mamma so stupid, when they said, “Order in the court,” she asked for fries and a shake.

Knock-Knock Jokes

1. Knock knock.

   Who’s there?

    Razor!

    Razor who?

    Razor hands, this is a stick up!

2. Knock knock.

   Who’s there?

   I eat mop!

   I eat mop who?

3. Knock Knock!

   Who’s there?

   Halibut!

   Halibut who?

   Halibut going out for a drink.

Lawyer Jokes

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 60?

A: Your Honor.

Q: How does an attorney sleep?

A: First he lies on one side, and then on the other.

Q: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

Lame Jokes for Any Occasion

Q: What does an annoying pepper do?

A: It gets jalapeño face.

Q: Why do seagulls live by the sea?

A: Because if they lived by the bay, they’d be bagels!

Q:Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke?

A: Joke, joke, joooooooooooooke.

Email Hot Sauce at [email protected]. This report has been a part of our special April 1 parody coverage. Check back next week when we get back to business.