Off-Third is WSN’s satire column.

As soon as the clock strikes midnight on Nov. 1, Instagram stories everywhere go from pictures of lingerie-with-animal-ears costumes to red and green Canva posts to mark the beginning of the holiday season. Almost eight weeks before Christmas starts, Mariah Carey’s voice can be heard in each square inch of every department store, and people start trading their pumpkin spice lattes for peppermint mochas. But I argue even that is too late. NYU should begin holiday festivities with the onset of the fall semester.

As Christmas decorations are hung earlier and earlier each year, I humbly suggest that any month after June is fair game for getting holly and jolly. For the entirety of the fall semester, dining halls should exclusively serve eggnog and stop pretending like they care about jack-o’-lanterns. All residence hall lounges should only play Michael Bublé. As incoming freshmen walk into Kimmel on their first day at NYU, they should be greeted by a cheering committee of upperclassmen in elf ears. First-years need to be prepared for NYU’s semester-long commitment to the holiday spirit. 

It seems like the university is already taking my advice, considering that Christmas ornaments and miniature NYU Santas are on sale year round at the NYU Bookstore. If they wanted to take it a step further, they could display a real tree full of violet and white in the window starting on the Fourth of July. What says holiday spirit like increased consumerism even earlier in the year? Personally, I can’t think of anything more festive than continuing to line the pockets of an institution we’re already paying tens of thousands of dollars to attend.

Other than boosting bookstore sales, celebrating the holidays earlier can also improve student mental health. According to a Business Insider article, happier people put up decorations early. NYU is obviously the school with the happiest students and nothing proves that more than premature Christmans cheer.  

Seeing tinsel strewn across staircases at Rubin Hall would definitely allow students to forget about the seven midterms they have coming up — despite only taking four classes — and their oral presentation, group project and Writing the Essay progression due on the same day. Similarly to handing out refreshments to students waiting outside Cantor, using holiday decorations to distract from decreasing mental health around exam time is a completely sustainable and a non-superficial solution.

Plus, let’s be honest: no one really cares about any of the holidays between summer break and winter break. Labor Day? Considering that NYU can barely pay its professors fairly, Labor Day is clearly not a priority. Halloween? I’m sure sexy Rudolph or sexy Mrs. Claus will be just as popular as the stale angel and devil costumes we see every year. Thanksgiving? Seeing as even Macy’s already has ornaments and Christmas trees up for decoration despite its famous Thanksgiving parade, giving thanks and eating turkey seems to be just a formality at this point. Black Friday? You may pretend you are going out to buy your family presents, but it is really just an excuse to buy yourself enough to make the deals worth it

It’s time for us to cut out the middlemen and get directly to the main event. NYU, let the Christmas festivities begin in September. Why even wait that long? Celebrate summer term with a snowball fight in Washington Square Park. Turn Bobst into a winter wonderland. Hang mistletoe between the turnstiles at the entryway of every building. Give the students what they want. Cause chaos. Start celebrating Christmas during syllabus week

Off-Third is WSN’s satire column. WSN’s Opinion section strives to publish ideas worth discussing. The views presented in the Opinion section are solely the views of the writer.

Contact Naisha Roy at [email protected].