Off-Third is WSN’s satire column.
Following President Donald Trump’s splendid announcement last week that the Department of the Treasury would begin printing U.S. currency bearing his signature, NYU President Linda Mills is unveiling her own clever and much-desired addition to the NYU dining plan: Linda Lira, a synthesis of the post-unification, pre-Euro, Italian coins and the inherent value of the Mills brand. This course of action says one thing: Students, you are being heard. Mills is here to make your days happier, from the comfort of your own pocket.
After NYU ended the Campus Cash program over the summer, students were in uproar. The longstanding payment system — similar to Dining Dollars, but with a wider range of uses including non-NYU businesses — allowed students to expand their palates outside of the confines of Downstein and Third North dining hall. Their eradication forced a wave of distress upon the university. Tisch junior Juliana Bell recounted the heartbreaking news to WSN, explaining that she woke up in the middle of the night distraught thinking about the discontinued dining option.
This, among a variety of dining issues — including pests at multiple halls, lack of options for vegetarian students and the singular free meal per week afforded by the Swipe it Forward program, is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the student body’s wants and needs. However, this meal plan addition could just be the saving grace for Mills, as finally, she understands our deepest yearn: Her face on all our forms of paying for food.
This isn’t the first time that NYU has quickly backtracked its decisions after student upset — but it is the first time they’ve done it with this level of panache. This semester we saw NYU cancel affinity graduations only for them to be reinstated under new NYU-ified branding. Clearly the university is learning the right lesson: That with the proper shade of purple and associated branding, even the most pesky of protests can be put down. The same seems to be happening with the retired Campus Cash making a comeback, and students can’t help but applaud her with cheers and shouts outside campus buildings.
“Linda Mills’ Linda Lira is like having [my] Big Brother in my pocket,” says a WSN staff member, explaining how comfortable they felt on campus alongside their fearless leader.
Similarly surnamed John Stuart Mill notably said, “From being a means to happiness, it has come to be itself a principal ingredient of the individual’s conception of happiness.” With clear reference to ingredients, this can only be in regard to the concept of meal plans — happiness stems from having our Dining Dollars work for other soulless corporations, not just our special violet one.
This seems as though it could be the perfect solution to the cavernous vacuum which is our lack of campus dining choices. That being said, putting her John Hancock on each bill is a tad bit too far. But with this rebranding, perhaps it’s time for NYU to rebrand all of the meal plans. Keep the dining halls and meal swipes, of course, but make all Dining Dollars able to be applied to anything Campus Cash could, and thereby include it in the already costly meal plan.
The minimum plan, 95 Flex, is offered for $1,673 and includes $200 of Dining Dollars and 95 meal swipes at $15.50 apiece. That funding, which is significantly more expensive than alternative options throughout the city, should be reallocated to the Linda Lira system and be usable throughout local campus eateries — we might even gain access to modern franchises like Bagel Bob’s, Maman and Mimi’s Frozen Yogurt.
The Mills administration must not stop at froyo, but continue inside NYU itself. University subreddit users show great concern for why we can have a campus store that accepts Dining Dollars, but not a similar policy for NYU-operated vending machines. Given this, I urge Mills, while already on track to make significant changes to the meal plans, to bring back the policy that allowed for students to use their NYU IDs to tap in for a Celsius or a cookie in the conveniently placed vending machines within the Tisch School of the Arts and Bobst Library.
Nonetheless, this system is an exclusionary measure that negates the point of bringing community to the campus. The student body will absolutely not stand for this and plans for Bobst sit-ins are set to occur next week. A proposal to make Linda Lira widely popular would have the university begin drafting plans to phase in college-specific Campus Cash. Notable suggestions from the Opinions Desk include Polendo Pounds and Rosner Roubles — named in honor of Tisch Dean Rubén Polendo and Gallatin Dean Victoria Rosner respectively. Or, if we’re going for a more institutional touch, we can spring for Gallatin Galleons or Silver Silver. All of this in the hopes that our school spirit can extend beyond just an adoration for Mills and bring in our love for all campus leaders.
WSN’s Opinion section strives to publish ideas worth discussing. The views presented in the Opinion section are solely the views of the writer.
Contact Annika Wilewicz at [email protected].