Off-Third is WSN’s satire column.

We are now entering week three of the semester. You’re finally getting used to your schedule and settling in. You’re so happy and everything is just great. You’re so elated you can’t help but feel confused as you eavesdrop on a conversation that your roommate is having with their parents about being quote un-quote homesick. What’s that all about?

Homesickness is clearly fake news. Longing for one’s home only after three weeks? Now come on. What could you even miss about your home that you can’t find here at NYU? Don’t worry, as an expert of being in a state of wanderlust and someone who is not homesick, I’ll lay it out for you.

I’ll begin with the biggest aspect: family. Nothing is more superior than having two-hour FaceTime calls with your parents; it’s like they’re with you. Can’t do your weekend ritual of shopping with your dad? Just vlog it and send it to him, easy peasy. In the meantime, you might call one of your professors “mom” by accident, so it’s like she’s still here. The distance from your parents will do you wonders, I wouldn’t miss them too much.

Now you say you miss home-cooked meals? NYU Eats is fine dining. We have the best of the best meal plans — cuisine you can’t get at any other university or Michelin-star restaurant. You’ll use up all your swipes in no time. What’s better than enjoying the same thing at the dining hall for three days straight? Absolutely nothing! The stomach ache you’ll get after eating cold pasta will do just the trick, you definitely won’t miss mom’s cooking after that.

You miss eating out too, don’t you? I get it, New York City is expensive. Don’t fret because our very own Upstein has off-brand homophobic chicken. Now you can feed your at-home tendencies of eating Chick-fil-A without even worrying about the consequences. Ordering from Grubhub and picking it up is definitely the same as eating out. Don’t forget Palladium brunch, where you’ll wait in a line that wraps up three flights of stairs just for a mediocre omelet. You can’t beat this offer!

Sure, you may miss your childhood room a bit because you had your own space, but now you have something even better — a shared bedroom and absolutely no privacy! The only place you have to cry is your twin XL bed, hiding tears from the roommate who repeatedly asks if you’re okay. Who needs to be on your parents’ insurance when you now have a free therapist? Just wait it gets better — said roommate has an alarm that goes off every hour on the hour from 2 to 7 a.m. because they don’t wake up. Why did they have an alarm set for 2 a.m.? Who knows, but at least someone woke up. Nothing beats a live-in best friend!

You may have been struggling to meet new people without having the security of your hometown friends. That’s normal. Want to know the best part about that? You won’t even have time to hang out with friends with all the 200 pages of reading you have to do each week, per class. College is about independence, not relying on a friend group to go party with at University Hall, obviously. Making friends isn’t even worth your time, it’s a waste of your time, so don’t stress it.

I get it, you may be thinking, “What about the security my small hometown had?” Not to fear because NYU has an amazing, show-stopping Department of Campus Safety. Need a safe way back to your dorm? The Safe Ride that you ordered will show up in approximately 3 hours. It’s either this wait time or walking into trouble on your trek back to your dorm, what’s safer than that? Security is NYU’s biggest priority.

As you can now see, there’s nothing to miss about home. NYU has everything you could ever need and more. Our campus has so much community and life, I don’t know why anyone would ever say it’s isolating. I can confidently say homesickness is officially deemed fake news.

WSN’s Opinion section strives to publish ideas worth discussing. The views presented in the Opinion section are solely the views of the writer.

Contact Molly Koch at [email protected].