Off-Third is WSN’s satire column.
The celebrity lookalike contest fad hasn’t left NYU’s campus just yet. With the infamous Oct. 28 Timothée Chalamet Lookalike Competition just outside our backyard, drawing out the acclaimed Lisan al-Gaib himself, it was only a matter of time until another slew of doppelgangers haunted our hallowed halls.
Lookalikes of Paul Mescal, Harry Styles and Jeremy Allen White have already been crowned, which prompts NYUers to ask, “Whose body double will we find next?”
President Linda Mills, of course.
Earlier this month, flyers on Bobst Library’s lower level memo board advertised a Linda Mills Lookalike Competition, promising the “Best Linda” an NYU Eats meal voucher and half a thawed cupcake from her inauguration last October. The competition was scheduled to occur under the Washington Square Arch, but due to crowd concerns, hopefuls and spectators alike decided to convene in the infamous Gould Plaza. Unfortunately, this created a strict timeline for the event, as the New York City Police Department would respond en masse within 15 minutes of the unauthorized assembly on campus grounds.
After a two-hour visitor registration process, contestants showed out in their best side-parted long bobs and pantsuits — with extra pointy shoulder pads — to channel their inner Mills. Some even fought to bring their own stool and recreate that random 0.5x photo of her on the Paulson Center’s sixth floor.
One Steinhardt junior decided to dress up as Mills during her inauguration week screening of “Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour,” complete with the number 13 etched on her hand in black Sharpie.
“I’ve never even seen Linda Mills on campus or in any way that I can verify isn’t an AI-generated image,” the student said. “The only reason why I’m doing this is because I hope she shows up, like Timmy did in that other lookalike contest. I need to know if she’s actually real.”
Contestants were judged on their ability to recite the How We Engage Toolkit, update the 10 Point Plan and, of course, direct a Tribeca Festival-selected film. One Mills lookalike, who dressed like her appearance at the Presidential Welcome Reality Show, became a crowd favorite.
“As NYU’s 17th president, I will be committing myself exclusively to bringing back the bobcat mascot, as long as it isn’t sentenced to more NYU Tulsa promotions,” the CAS sophomore said.
The crowd, unsure of what the university’s mascot is currently supposed to be and where this Tulsa may be located, half-heartedly cheered.
Guests were surprised by a certain special, pantsuit-adorned middle-aged woman who showed up to compete. Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi gave her best Mills impression from this year’s commencement ceremony, but this time, nobody booed or walked out.
“Someone down the grapevine told me I resembled Mills, and I just happened to be in the area,” Pelosi said. “Too bad I missed the Chalamet one, though. I loved that one scene in ‘Call Me By Your Name.’”
The competition’s host was not named on the flyer, but attendees were in store for a treat. Andrew Hamilton, NYU’s 16th president, popped up with a brunette wig and snatched waist to claim responsibility for the event.
“Nobody talks about how hard it is to lose your relevance after serving the NYU community for so long,” Hamilton said. “I just wanted to show everyone that I’ve still got it.”
Like the prophesied arrival of Charlie Brown’s great pumpkin, the appearance of our esteemed university president was doubted by the panel of judges, which included Campus Safety head Fountain Walker, the only person who has ever seen Mills. But to everyone’s surprise, the winner crowned was, indeed, Mills herself. Unfortunately, none of the onlookers were unable to witness this as they were arrested before she even showed up.
“I didn’t even know it was her,” Hamilton said. “Just goes to show that she truly is the ‘Best Linda.’”
Contact Dani Biondi at [email protected].
WSN’s Opinion section strives to publish ideas worth discussing. The views presented in the Opinion section are solely the views of the writer.
