Staff Rants: The Mario movie

Here are our thoughts on the Mario movie. Enjoy!

On Chris Pratt

I will be using my Italian American privilege here to say that Chris Pratt will pay for his crimes.

Jake Capriotti — Photo Editor


On celebrity stunt casting

Justice! For! Voice! Actors! “Spies in Disguise” was the last movie I saw in theaters before the COVID-19 lockdown and it seared off the top layer of my brain. I am not convinced this movie will be any different. I’m also willing to bet Chris Pratt’s Mario will be written like his asshole “Passengers” character. Horrific movies like this are part of the reason why I no longer derive any enjoyment from any announcement of new media. Enough with the celebrity stunt casting. Enough!!!

Alexandra Chan — Managing Editor


On a question


Manasa Gudavalli — Multimedia Editor


On repeating mistakes

Must we fly so close to the sun? It can’t be much worse than the 1993 version… can it??? 

Ryan Kawahara — Video Editor


On the importance of reputation

When I first read the cast list for the new Mario movie, I laughed for a solid minute. Then I saw that they were serious… and I laughed for two minutes. I realize that there are people out there in the world who think that baguettes are Jesus’s limbs or something, but how did anyone believe that Chris Pratt was going to convincingly portray Mario? Pratt is a lovable action hero — Mario is an out-of-work plumber who is forever trapped in a tragic cycle of rescuing his on/off girlfriend from a “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” reject. The rest of the casting choices are somewhat less stupefying. Most of the Mario roster traditionally has as much character depth as a pancake, so I’m sure the actors can do their roles justice. That still raises the question of why they signed on to the movie. Money? How much does dignity cost (and where can I buy some)? I guess you could claim that they’re doing it for the sake of restoring Italian national pride — Italy’s reputation has never recovered from the war crimes they pulled in Ethiopia — but that argument holds as much water as a spaghetti strainer. At the end of the day, the Mario franchise has survived one flaccid movie, so it can probably survive another. I just wince at the thought that some kid will see this film and then forever associate an otherwise enjoyable game series with whatever butchered accent Pratt ends up doing.

Max Tiefer Copy Chief

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