Like any other sane human being, I love watching BuzzFeed “Unsolved” web series on YouTube. And like all rational people, I totally believe in conspiracy theories.
Much to my delight, two of my favorite subjects came together when I stumbled across an episode of BuzzFeed Unsolved that discussed the Illuminati.
If you’ve been living under a rock and don’t know what I’m talking about, the Illuminati is an organization made up of world leaders, celebrities and other powerful, influential beings who secretly control the world. Rumored members include Beyoncé and Barack Obama.
After watching BuzzFeed’s Ryan Bergara find the Illuminati’s official website, I myself went on the website and immediately clicked on the tab labeled “Join The Illuminati.” After filling out my contact information — which, yeah, made me feel a little like I was officially selling my soul — I received my first email, which contained the subject line “Important Instructions.”
My important instructions included links to the Illuminati’s social media pages, advertised the Illuminatium Testament and warned me that there is no membership fee and that anyone asking me for money was not part of the true elite.
After freaking out for a solid 10 minutes about actually receiving an email from the Illuminati, I deemed the message harmless — until, at the very end, I read the chilling, bolded phrase, “We are always watching out for you.” I decided to interpret it as meaning that the Illuminati had my back — not that they would be coming for me.
Over the next few days, I would open my email inbox to find Illuminati messages that educated me on topics such as the power of the Illuminati’s pyramid symbol and what my role in the organization could be like. Every single email included a triangle emoji and contained the could-totally-be-harmless reassurance that “We are always watching out for you.”
Finally, on March 29, my dreams came true: I received my citizen liaison — a woman by the name of Anita Wilmington — and was invited to request my talisman, a necklace with the Illuminati’s pyramid and eye symbol.
And to be sure, even though I’ve risen to Illuminati status, I’m never done learning about my new network. I receive emails daily — sometimes twice — that inform me about the Illuminati’s globalist agenda and nuances of the organization’s history and mission. My favorite email has clarified that the Illuminati is not made of Satanists and that the group’s members may follow any deity of their choosing so long as they recognize that the Illuminati works to progress and protect the human race.
During this process, I’m relieved to not have undergone any sort of initiation or hazing. I always knew that NYU wasn’t necessarily the elite organization I deserved, and I’m honored to finally be recognized by the Illuminati.
If you choose to join me in this journey, remember: we are always watching out for you.